lmp
on 0 by MacFrantic
8 Jun 2007, 3:41 PM
pi
you're quite the character, huh?
Very, very nice. This tipped off my tongue beautifully, and the language/wording is excellent. It's classy in the beautiful sense.
Pretty funny - darkly so, but a fair and just thankyou to your rescuer.
One for the angst.
I think it would be far funnier if the last line was "bones snap on demand".
The Bee Gee's stayin' Alive came rushing to my head when I first read this. It has a very 70's feel to it, maybe it's because all the guys' stash was so very much on show back then.
Some great lines - not sure about the third stanza, doesn't really speak of the rebel, just some things that sound kinda rebellious.
Blackpool? Great little tale - true story?
Surely there has been a ban on those suits of shell for years!
I feel this wibbles and wobbles in places, could be tighter.
Catchy, perhaps a little thin on the narrative depth, but still good fun to read aloud.
Does it have a cunt and a beard? I would ask Brian Blessed but he doesn't post shite poemes on a website largely populated by twats.
For some hollywood reason I was wanting her to have been the one who killed him, for moaning about her bread. Is that what was meant or is the first stanza a little misleading? Or am I just being twisted?
Not sure about the context but I feel there are too many 'i' sounds in the one area. The last line - make me fly toward you or make me fly to where you are. I'm no expert on english but the way you wrote it doesn't seem to fit right. Could just be me, wouldn't be the first time.
This seems fairly dark and for that I like it.
I like the first four lines, but after that it's like the meter/syllables/what-ever-poetry-nuts-ca
I like it, all except the exclamation mark at the very end. Turns it from being quite a maudlin piece into what seems like it's meant to be a joke.
Metrically I'd change 'remain' to 'stay', and maybe tweak the third stanza. Perhaps:
"I feel a little melancholy"
(whispered to
no-one in particular)
..."
etc.
Not as good as the last I read, how-ever still mind-twisting decent.
Anything that provokes thought is worth a read.
In future I advise you to be prepared for such eventualities: always carry a portable truncheon so as to beat such presumptuous yobs across the pate for troubling you. It is important to lay down the law as soon as possible, or they will start taking all sorts of liberties like walking in public places or heckling you for a chip at 3am.