poemranker ::Melancholy Tart by Skamper

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Free verse № 152329

Melancholy Tart

by Skamper

Member since 2007 · Posted 7 Jun 2007 · 2 comments

After dinner - reclining sofa-shaped draping thoughts invade the spaces left bare by sustenance I sigh - remain focused on the middle distance barely aware of my son’s insistence his constant mentioning of something sweet A treat – “I feel a little melancholy” I whisper to no-one in particular - the boy hears with those hopeful ears “Is that a cake?” he asks – I shake my head “No, it’s a vegetable” an inattentive answer but - incredibly he wonders if it’s kinda like sweet potato pie!

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mean 4.50 weighted 4.98 rank 8278 views 209 View voting details →

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2 comments

[9] Ranger 8-Jun-07/4:14 AM Reply
I like it, all except the exclamation mark at the very end. Turns it from being quite a maudlin piece into what seems like it's meant to be a joke.
Metrically I'd change 'remain' to 'stay', and maybe tweak the third stanza. Perhaps:
"I feel a little melancholy"
(whispered to
no-one in particular)
..."
etc.
[n/a] Skamper › Ranger 11-Jun-07/4:33 PM Reply
Hmmm...I think there was too much of me in this write. It's meant to be more about the boy, and his focus on his own thoughts. Also I was aiming for light-hearted...lol...will definately have to work on that! Thanks for your input, all appreciated.