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Persnickety (Other) by malpaso well, ain't that a hang, banged up by the technology that was supposed
to save you and I.
I could have saved a dime, killed time, made rhyme but
I chose to click a mouse, burn down the house, see what
the chicken saw when he crossed road, played Faust. Here in the forsaken
Expanse
Up the ladder:
Maiden of Blue Shadow
Down the ladder:
The Hawk
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Posted: June 7, 2007 6:25 PM PDT; Last modified: June 7, 2007 6:25 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0596013 Overall Rank: 6764 Comments:
[8]
Ranger @ 81.103.124.179
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8-Jun-07/4:09 AM
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Reply
Catchy, perhaps a little thin on the narrative depth, but still good fun to read aloud.
[n/a]
malpaso @ 70.245.24.34
> Ranger
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10-Jun-07/6:11 PM
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Reply
your criticism is valid but if I could do narrative I'd be writing short stories and novels....seriously, narrative poetry is one of the best genres around but I just get too hung up in the middle of those i tried to write so i just figure i'd try and stamp concept or cluster of concepts and keep it short and sweet....i'm glad you had fun with it, that's what counts!!
I think this could be expanded on, lines changes and lengthened, others added. Fatten up the story if you will - the story's clear but the details aren't.
=> Jess
what you say is true and I appreciate the criticism as valid. only thing is I write poetry as if mining for hidden concepts rather than mining for images (which is a good motive, too) and also, my attention span is about 2 minutes
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