Persnickety

Member since 2007 · Posted 7 Jun 2007 · 4 comments

well, ain't that a hang, banged up by the technology that was supposed to save you and I. I could have saved a dime, killed time, made rhyme but I chose to click a mouse, burn down the house, see what the chicken saw when he crossed road, played Faust. Here in the forsaken Expanse

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mean 5.50 weighted 5.06 rank 6711 views 220 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

4 comments

[8] Ranger 8-Jun-07/4:09 AM Reply

Catchy, perhaps a little thin on the narrative depth, but still good fun to read aloud.

[n/a] malpaso › Ranger 10-Jun-07/6:11 PM Reply

your criticism is valid but if I could do narrative I'd be writing short stories and novels....seriously, narrative poetry is one of the best genres around but I just get too hung up in the middle of those i tried to write so i just figure i'd try and stamp concept or cluster of concepts and keep it short and sweet....i'm glad you had fun with it, that's what counts!!

[6] sca 9-Jun-07/12:42 AM Reply

I think this could be expanded on, lines changes and lengthened, others added. Fatten up the story if you will - the story's clear but the details aren't.

=> Jess

[n/a] malpaso › sca 10-Jun-07/6:07 PM Reply

what you say is true and I appreciate the criticism as valid. only thing is I write poetry as if mining for hidden concepts rather than mining for images (which is a good motive, too) and also, my attention span is about 2 minutes