Sapphire2589
on Stolen Away by Carvaceous
20 Mar 2004, 12:13 AM
AWWW,how sad but true,im guessung that you are referring to being heartbroken,good job,nice write
weird
Tight poem.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
20 Mar 2004, 8:45 AM
Sunset and ocean waves, a common theme and a good one, done here with great images, like poems of old.
AWWW,i like this poem,good job
this is so true,i love this poem,and i loved how you wrote it,there is a little bit of "forced"ryming which i dont like but other than that it was great
kinda.....weird,but good,just confusing
*shudders* that was creepy,nice write though,it could have flowed better though
dont like the cussing,there are spelling errors but it has a good idea behind it and im guess that you just wrote this when you were made,it was just a vent poem.
I think this is a real improvement over your earlier posts. Really. A few of the lines surprised me, made me think. But I'm worried that the whole idea behind this is a lie, or at best an after-the-fact justification. I wish this poem had been about something else besides regretting having sex with someone, that's all.
Good poem, and some really good lines. I would mix up the almost unvaried adjective-noun formula that you have here, which got a little predictable, by dropping the adjectives in front of a few more nouns and doubling up on a few more. Maybe make some of them into appositives or something, like:
Tangerine whale swims the skies,
a farfetched tale in streaks
radiant as ________
she flies
like a stroke bold-splashed,
dream of orange pale
like ________ smashed
on an indigo canvas stretched wide.
When the sunset paints a new tide
she lets herself
fall.
That part's pretty nice, too.
Linkin Park lyrics + ellipses = GREAT POETRY!!!!!!! 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
20 Mar 2004, 3:01 PM
Here's to the spirit, happiness, and regret of a drinking man, soberly told. With sobriety? I don't get the title, otherwise good.
cute.
I think you should build something bigger with it (ifn't you gonna call it a lyric)
Maybe I'm giving this more attention than you care for, but some of it is a little oddly worded. 'Gee I hate to cause alarm' must refer to the first line, not the third and fourth - that's a little confusing. 'And have as yet not' is a mouthful. I can't think of how to re-word it, though. Sorry I can't be more help; it's a cute little rhyme.
Are you sure you didn't see yourself, someone should fuck your shit up for writing this.
Are you sure you didn't see yourself, someone should fuck your shit up for writing this.
Are you sure you didn't see yourself, someone should fuck your shit up for writing this.
Are you sure you didn't see yourself, someone should fuck your shit up for writing this.