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esopus creek (Free verse) by balthazar The fish lies
wriggling in place
under
the rainy surface
under
these logs and dead and
dying tree roots
under
the rainy surface
the saplings that never had a chance
still trying to reach up
into the stunted gray sunless light
the water so still and
dark and
out of place
you think you might go into it and
come out somewhere else.
This is where I drop my line.
Up the ladder:
Calling My Essence From The Gap
Down the ladder:
drowning in the bookstore
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: August 5, 2002 11:26 AM PDT; Last modified: September 27, 2002 1:24 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3114 Comments:
[9]
<~> @ 167.206.181.179
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5-Aug-02/11:49 AM
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Reply
dive right in.
I'd drop the second line (lol! "I thank you"). Or at least change it. I don't think fish 'wriggle'. I'm also not too sure about the part about the saplings 'trying to reach up'. I'm not sure that writing about saplings struggling to grow is very relevant. Though I suppose if it helps describe the scene then leave it. I don't know really. Other than that I thought it was quite a good poeme.
damn wriggling winker got away again, didn't he? the wee bastard!
This poem fucking rocks. Oh wow. I grew up with such country in my backyard 'n' much time alone in it. nosTALgia, it's such a great drug.
Although I suppose DA has a point. I'd say lurking instead of wriggling, but only because I'm a melodramatic fool. "still trying to reach up" could just be "still reaching" ??? I dunno. But I really like this poem, even if those really are flaws.
kinda.....weird,but good,just confusing
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