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esopus creek (Free verse) by balthazar

The fish lies wriggling in place under the rainy surface under these logs and dead and dying tree roots under the rainy surface the saplings that never had a chance still trying to reach up into the stunted gray sunless light the water so still and dark and out of place you think you might go into it and come out somewhere else. This is where I drop my line.

-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 16-Aug-02/4:40 PM
I'd drop the second line (lol! "I thank you"). Or at least change it. I don't think fish 'wriggle'. I'm also not too sure about the part about the saplings 'trying to reach up'. I'm not sure that writing about saplings struggling to grow is very relevant. Though I suppose if it helps describe the scene then leave it. I don't know really. Other than that I thought it was quite a good poeme.




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