edpeterson
on Once the moon turned me into a hairy vagina by horus8
11 Apr 2004, 7:35 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I like its unusual slant (that its not about a person), but time to remake the last line.
I think I gave this a 7 for the phrase "Daughter of the Night" and what I thought was at-times heavy language replete with inconsistent capitalization (you missed about 10 we's, you's and me's. But it's really a pretty good sonnet. I probably just didn't read it very carefully on a day when I was flipping through randoms to the point of blindness. I've stopped doing that now, and you deserve some extra credit for lines like "were we not Gods could we bear not to be" which I like about 5 times more than your usual 'Imagist' dross.
I think "soft red" instead of "red soft" - try it?
"gifts and semen" good one! But I think using the word twice detracts quite a bit overall - there must be a hundred other words you could use - I sugges "jiz" because of the alliteration with "jowls".
Lots of fresh and interesting language here.
Despite the insulting five you just gave me, I shall bless you with a nine. Fives are like "fuck you's" here, so if that's what you meant then - ah, thanks. ;o)
I'm sorry, but this is awful. No vote.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 8:56 AM
The sentiment you express is worthy of poetry, but the prose you have written is preliminary, a good start, but lacking the polish that prolonged thought brings and the consideration needed to bring your readers to the position you so vividly feel. I suggest that you try varied wordings, look for redundancies, and think how a reader might react.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 9:02 AM
I like this kind of poem because I don't know whether to laugh or look for some deep meaning. Just to let you know I did both and it was fun.
Good storytelling.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 9:09 AM
this is a work in progress, no offense Kev, but a nice first try anyway
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 10:11 AM
The last line is a bit arogant, don't you think?
Somewhat clever. 6.
Do bipolar people exhibit this type of balance and introspection? Nice poem, just wondering if 3rd person would be more appropriate.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2004, 11:00 AM
If she lives with sin, how can all evil stem from man? Or is the man sin? Still, a good showing of how she feels.
cloaks would be good, if you dont mind the potentially negative "hiding" connotation.
mine are 129, 134 and 132, those were my Iq scores last time I did those but that like last summer, I was gonna retake it but why should I, I already know
I think Dave Matthews did this a little better in Dancing Nancies. Keep working on it, though...still a good idea...
This sounds like a collage of all the shit that Zodiac has said about you. Self-loathing, while it makes for good literary fodder, should not be overused and NEVER let them know that they're getting to you.
I like it.
Once I got through the new dialect, I didn't find much. Please tell me if there is anything here besides an int-roducti-on to s-ome ne-w jiv-e.