hmmm... "deterred" - not "deferred"? okay, fine. "leaving me" might flow better. Period at the end - did you try any other last lines? I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.

The hail as frozen tears simile has been *so* done, yet I still like this one. I wanted "feet" to be "roots", but then I thought maybe you were making an allusion to meter within the context of poetry. Maybe one more stanza - there's enough good with this one to keep going Ithink.

interesting (good) title. not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though. Lots good about this stanza: "I know not with what to please them They thrive like rapid wildfire So judge me now As a solemn winter Unable to ice a flame Parity in diversion" but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).

I wish this poem had actually been about the title.

Vote again after I change it please! Great feedback!

- "This poem is really. Unfortunately, it's really horus8."

It IS about the title. Grey is often associated with anonymity. That is essentially what a mob is, right?

Cute/clever, if orally fixated, first stanza. I think you could use "Remember" once and get away with it - the ending... would work for me if I could see the link between newspapers and fences (but I'm dense). Bleach is an evocative word.

I think the couplets keep the thing from flowing; it reads list-like. It's worth fixing.

Was hoping zodiac would put his sonnet back up...

Minus points for perVERT, and 'line elastic' should be 'spandex current'.

Sure, I'll buy that. Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).

Really a poem true to the poet. I do believe that ellipses would have served the purpse better than colons, but all in all a solid testimony. *9*

I would have liked to see the first line of the third stanza follow you other lines, and "totally" is a pretty weak word . I DO like the originality of "dream den's door", maybe it's the alliteration.

"Furtive" alone makes this poem fly. I'm impressed by your ability to capture the moment. *8*

Seems more like a poem than an actual song. In most cases it should be kept that way. Unfortunately beautiful poetry is too often lyricized *8* (for the effort)

No comment. (or vote)

Way to go! I loved the rhyming because of its all-over-the-placeness and great timing. The last line was stolen but "forbidden" makes it work *10*

Wait a minute - you can't rhyme succumb and come. They're exactly the same sound.

"Skeletal flotsam - uncollected soul;" fix these sounds please. take the clicks out. the oceans doesn't click. not even bones click, in the ocean. the notion is great and i like the words together, but save them for another poem. the jarring rhythm works in 13 but keep it for 14 as well, SVP.