richa
on iPod by Christof
31 Jul 2007, 2:10 PM
They don't really get between your brain and cranium do they. 'Filling my vessels with silvery xylem' and 'My thoughts are wooded, my breath has leaves.' aren't particularly strong metaphors imo.
Not a limerick. A limerick would read more like:
In Utah I was checked up and down
by a sun bleached old mormon clown
he wanted a wife
riding a bike
complete with a republican gown.
Wax isn't stolen by the air it is fed upon by the flame.
why do you only rank me zero, and give me no criticism?
This makes my moods change, I go from a worried, to a happier more secure feeling. I like this. Its a very good piece. My Favorite out of all of your work.
I think you were trying for 7 syllables on the second line... I think...
Believe me, it's over. Get over it, 'Meadows of owes?'
The last line is a little confusing to me.
Blessed with seven.
Marching towards my death.
I'd much prefer this ending, simply because you, sir, are already Old with extreme Age. :)
SupremeDreamer
on All tonight wandering along in the broken dreams by Prince of Void
3 Aug 2007, 12:22 PM
If your going to do this sort of shit, why not do it better than the classic pimple cliche piece?
Blessed with one.
The second line has 8 syllables. Cut out the 'I' and you will have seven as required (alone = 2 syllables). Capitalize 'I' in the third line. Also, this isn't really a Haiku in the traditional imagery sense.
blessed with four.
Mispelled Occasions in the title.
The title is shit. You should have titled it "Poetry".
Or even better: "Rockmages Poetry"!!
Can you be more inorganic?
breath = breathe? Also, this whole thing is confused. Many aspects of this poem reminds me of pimples. Though slightly more matured than the average pimple, it still possesses puss.
Blessed with a two.
so many topics in so few lines... and a title that has nothing to do with any of them.. hmm
You really Think This is a poetry?
I have now changed Stanza 3 line 1 to read "Seagulls in shades of while", which originally read "seagulls in pearly whites". Maybe this is a better option. What do you think?
hahaha.. i found this very amusing. and just for that very reason I'll give you a ten.... :-)