Tekara
on THE BEST POEM EVER!!!!!! by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
28 May 2004, 6:23 PM
I'd be willing to bet that at some point in your life, you worked at a renaissance faire! Not bad work over all. -8-
Please
"Eyes cold as aircraft carriers
Like they were a fighter jet" doesn't add anything to the image for me; and I don't know why you went from plural (eyes, carriers) to singular (jet) like that.
I don't see anything wrong with using the first line for a title.
How about Left Coast Hedonism? I don't know..I'm not good with titles.
You are a very gifted poet and although I wasn't here when you were posting 'before', I'm glad that you are back. I've gone back and read some of your older work and it is very beautiful. This one is no exception.
Funny...
I have a poem with the exactsame title.
such ciche'ness... -_-;
Call it "unfinished"
Lol! yes same title there! This was pretty good
I would drop "as skin" from the second line, the second "like the heart" and the second "to be". They look okay on paper, but I find when I read them aloud I sound like a giant posturing clown.
maybe I am just biased.. hehe.. 10
great! u tell um! lol
If you'd edit this down to the last 9 lines, this poem would be great. Oh, yeah, and the glimmer like gold line, that also is good. Sincerely.
Try saying things without using IT. For example just fat, cherry red.../ The head is brown, The sheets are blue. / The first two its(scrap it, sell it)work well. Leave those as they are.
I see, but I'd guessed that already.
Did you have a tail and teeth?
Like an old cracked hose with a blistering kink.
by far the most profound poeme i have ever read...shear Genious...10
You shouldn't ever use "thee" or "thou" in a poem.
Contrary to a widespread misconception, those terms aren't used in great classic poetry because they're particularly poetic, but because they were actually common expressions at the time of the poems' composition, like the formal and informal "you" used by present-day Spanish speakers.
Anyway, writing "thee" and "thou" now just looks like you have no idea about real or recent poetry, which is always always ALWAYS written in modern English nwadays. This isn't because an oppressive poetry-dominating INSTITUTION is trying to make everybody's poetry bland and homogenous - which it isn't - so that rebelling against it is something noble and individual, like William Blake, but rather - well, because it simply looks silly to every single person on the planet.
Sorry to take up so much space on your poem with my overblown comment when I don't even know if you're that passionate about it or not. But in the past dozens of people have had huge hissy fits and called me all sorts of evil names for making this same suggestion. Go figure.
You could say this poem is about a woman (re)claiming and refashioning the 'belle dame' stereotype historically used to denigrate and oppress her, making it instead symbolic of archetypal feminine power (i.e., the 'Lilith' who uses whatever tools are available to her, including her much-villified sexuality, to subvert men's [physical and cultural] dominance,) in much the same way as Pat Benetar's "Love Is a Battlefield" video did in the eighties. But I bet you weren't thinking about all that, especially since third-wave feminism is mostly a joke played on women by [still-sadly-dominant] men.
Also, "smokey" should be "smoky",
"judgement" should be "judgment",
"syrines" would be better "sirens",
"facaude" should be "façade" (I think),
"She" in "She grows desperately" should be lower-case,
you're missing some punctuation after "fire", which is not very effective for me as a closing line, anyway,
and you might consider not ending every line at the end of a sentence or clause (i.e., at a comma or period) as this is widely considered bad form.
Otherwise, not bad. Better than your other one, anyway.
Bang your shed... Heavy metal drives me sad.