Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

The Bed (Free verse) by Fear of Garbage
The bed you are lying in is a fat check. We will scrap it, sell it before the end of the year, this thing, With its fat, cherry red posts, wingtips, And a headboard, big as a harbor. Its head is brown. Its sheets are blue. It holds within it The outings, the courtings of lovers Who hold their breath until their necks turn blue. It holds within it, you, You who love me like a daughter, though Your skin is green, and your cheeks are blue. Five times you came down with it and five times They tried to cut it off at the root. Your heart still beats. Five times too few. By the end, we will scrap this bed. It is far too large to keep, this thing, With its fat, cherry red posts, wingtips, And a headboard, big as a harbor. Its head is brown. Its sheets are blue. Yes, by the end we will have to scrap this bed. And scrap you with it, too.

Up the ladder: Nightfall
Down the ladder: Solitude

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 20
.. 41
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 8.111111
Weighted score: 6.5555553
Overall Rank: 640
Posted: May 28, 2004 7:38 AM PDT; Last modified: May 28, 2004 7:38 AM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[9] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 28-May-04/10:47 AM | Reply
at first the numerous "it/its" gave me pause - but with that ending - sets it up very nicely indeed.
[n/a] Fear of Garbage @ 156.63.85.17 > Shuushin | 28-May-04/10:55 AM | Reply
I never thought about that. I guess I do use "it/its" too much.
[9] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 | 28-May-04/12:12 PM | Reply
Are you really only 16? You don't see many teenagers that can write this well. Keep it up.
[10] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ 24.130.62.63 | 28-May-04/6:25 PM | Reply
Please
[9] god'swife @ 4.233.117.53 | 29-May-04/3:10 AM | Reply
Try saying things without using IT. For example just fat, cherry red.../ The head is brown, The sheets are blue. / The first two its(scrap it, sell it)work well. Leave those as they are.
189 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001