Excellent... Hard to believe you wrote this. Very well written.

/me wants "'twixt or 'tween over 'between' (for flow) I'd drop vacuum-like to vacuum, for flow, and the 'like' isn't needed. beautiful last line. I want this set to deathmetal. :)

Quite good.

Just fuck her and get it over with, you'll feel much better, and in the end? They only bring us here, they don't have any answers, trust me. I spent my entire life thinking I had to fix my parents, and about ten minutes burying them both. some people spend their entire lives in reverse and denial dude, just fucking looking for trouble. When it gets right down to it some parents are helpful and an asset, and some our mere shit, and a liability, and... We all know what good dead weight is? Amputate that shit with a red hot spatula, and get on with your life.

Preperation H

While you do seem to regularly write about the same topic, I'm not going to deduct points for that. You write about what you want and this is not too shabby.

"It seems he cannot to decide whether or not": I kind of like this one but this line bothered me.

Are you really only 16? You don't see many teenagers that can write this well. Keep it up.

This would be good set to deathmetal.

the luminous drifting from room to room carrying thoughts in tow. ruminating like a fat hamster on a plastic wheel........waiting for the right moment to jump off. and who ever does. giving inanimate objects life is so feckin' glorious. "medicine cabinet's mirror"...........all it was...was a comma but i felt my fingerprint on the glass. j.

nice flow, but I don't get into it. very pretty, though. I think I want something the slightest bit more specific, more personal, ... something. in the middle, ish.

What kind of a dinosaur were you?

We, thin lipped losers strung out on chance and cigarettes, still praying for a win, faithful fucks courting the lady's hand with our pathetic charms and smacked up veins sadly lacking. ///// black jack poker face chunk of cheek too tired to speak. the sound of dice rolling. the filtered air spewing. the women attached to their livelihoods by strings and cords and cards. smiling a grimace with a creature comfort smoke clenched between yellow teeth. noted: brutish and delicate double entendres of the sexual nature. j.

the title could be death metal.

Nice proud structure, I love that. The beginning needs to be tightened a bit. the section were you start going about your business, mow wash shower dress, that's were the flows at. Could you carry some of that energy back to the front? There's something about the last line that's too pedestrian for this much heart felt philosophy. What if you left that last line completely out? Also you've got that lovely rhyme between 'before' and 'drawer' which would tie up well with 'once more' at the end of a last line. I don't know how you feel about rewrtiting things to death, I'm compulsive about it, but if your happy I'm happy.

zappa, monster guitarist....not poet. this is okay

wha?

How does a gossamer kiss have a sanguine depth?

Not bad

Everything you've said can also be accurate you know?