| Re: Ode to the bright one by tre |
18-Apr-04/10:28 PM |
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I think your previous work is better... you're trying too hard to be deep. Loosen up and let things flow; if they're deep they're deep, but don't force it :-)
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| Re: a comment on being human by ggawrysi |
14-Apr-04/10:46 AM |
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i honestly didn't even think of that, but when i was trying to think of an animal to compare to humans dolphins just popped in. i guess it was in the back of my mind. ever hum a tune and think that you've created something original, only to go home and see a commercial with the same tune? same idea.
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| Re: A bar without alcohol by tre |
13-Apr-04/10:54 PM |
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this poem is different and refreshingly unique. however, i think that you could have spent more time on it; it sounds like you accepted the first rhyme that came to your head instead of looking for a better word that flowed more. for ambitious creativity, you get an 8
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| Re: Ballad for a bad Irish accent by zodiac |
13-Apr-04/10:46 PM |
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i was amused, and i think that Shuushin was mistaken about S3; you have to read it out loud, it flows better. however, i had a little trouble with S5, lost the rhythm. overall, very well done.
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| Re: he's so good looking by GAY AS FU*K |
13-Apr-04/10:10 PM |
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| Re: Jesus Rises from the Grove by wilco |
12-Apr-04/1:12 PM |
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i don't have any major criticisms or anything that i loved. it entertained me, which is really all that i ask from a poem.
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| Re: This guy by Jai |
12-Apr-04/12:01 PM |
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a rather boring poem with a generic point... not to mention that it's "you're," not "your." there's nothing wrong with a short, cute poem; just give it more distinction and more impact.
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| Re: short clip about dc, #2 by jsd |
11-Apr-04/10:40 PM |
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not often that a very short poem tells a complete story with a distinct point... i don't know, maybe cuz i live in dc it makes it easier to understand it. regardless, well done
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| Re: a comment on lost memories by ggawrysi |
11-Apr-04/10:38 PM |
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| Re: a comment on One voice by tre |
11-Apr-04/10:24 PM |
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| Re: One voice by tre |
11-Apr-04/10:24 PM |
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i like it as a beginning and middle- one more short verse at the end to conclude the poem would have been perfect. it feels like a distinct point was in the making but was left too subtle.
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| Re: Rough draft of a poetry manifesto by zodiac |
11-Apr-04/10:19 PM |
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i like how most of your lines ended with a verb. at the same time, it was difficult and choppy to move from one line to the next mid-sentence with such brick like words. if the language was not as gruff and more melodic it would have flowed much better. the structure took me away from the content, causing me to lose your point. after re-reading it, i did enjoy the poem's notion of reform and losing older ways of life.
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