Re: a comment on Another Chapter by TLRufener	5-Dec-05/3:42 AM
Or bleed from his forehead for almost no reason.
Re: a comment on Another Chapter by TLRufener	5-Dec-05/3:42 AM
Yes. Once. They were (and I think still are) living in Charlotte, NC. Try as I may, I couldn't get Rick to do that distinctive hooting thing he does.
Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike	4-Dec-05/3:17 AM
Sometimes I write a poem without rhyme and then make it rhyme while adding as few new words or new ideas as possible. Maybe that could work for you?
Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike	4-Dec-05/3:16 AM
"we cringed with the rhapsody"? Frost famously said he'd sooner play tennis with the net down than write poetry without rhyme or meter. He respected good free-verse writers, but he himself wouldn't know what to say without some structure and limitation guiding him. Frost, though, had to bust his ass to make rhyme and rhythm work for him, rather than the other way around. I believe there are at least a dozen things in this poem you wouldn't have normally said except for the rhyme. I admit, sometimes the weird connections you make in rhyme are magical, sublime, spontaneous. But had/dad and heart/start/part are not those times. I don't suggest writing free verse. I'm suggesting working harder on your rhymed verse.
Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta	4-Dec-05/3:05 AM
I am a big fan of rhyming free verse, but think you might (1) enjamb more, like you did well in the first three lines of the fourth stanza, (2) not use "amidst" for something singular like "tide", (3) scent's, not scents', (4) tighten up your message and phrasing just a little. Welcome to poemranker!
Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW	4-Dec-05/3:00 AM
It's a good story. Haikus are overrated. You should expand this.
Re: Popular Lovers by wilco	4-Dec-05/2:59 AM
The second stanza is good, but not really a sentence. The last line should be that she's the romantic or you're not romantic. You're not the one who thinks the wine looks like Jesus.
Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/2:55 AM
Once again - At best, you're only able to express a nine-word thought here. That is, you can't even express as sophisticated a thought as any of the sentences in this comment do - which, incidentally, aren't very sophisticated. Don't you think that limits your poetry just a little? I do wish you'd occasionally acknowledge some of our comments. At least so we'll know you're choosing to disregard our criticisms and continue in your chosen style, rather than thinking - as we do - that you're just ignoring us or illiterate. If you respond, I promise to never post this comment again.
Re: a comment on Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery	4-Dec-05/2:36 AM
You're obviously not a lush. I thought it was touching. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lush
Re: a comment on Another Chapter by TLRufener	4-Dec-05/2:31 AM
Like An empty page but afraid to look because I might see that time we did nook- ie in the Walmart bathroom and I got VD from an extremely unsanitary urinal cake.
Re: a comment on The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe	4-Dec-05/2:21 AM
To say you've done it. Ideally, for that poetic value of repetition we were talking about earlier. You know these, right? http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=53586 http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97027
Re: a comment on One by rahson_s	4-Dec-05/2:18 AM
I believe if races were miscegynated to unrecognizability, people would just find new measures of difference, like genetic susceptibilities or penis size. In some parts of the Middle East where everybody is related (and therefore exactly the same color) people who drive Ladas (http://home.hetnet.nl/~ghpcaubo/russian_cars.htm ) are systematically targeted for persecution.
Re: One by rahson_s	3-Dec-05/6:48 AM
"momentarily depression invaded the time" doesn't make sense. I like the rest of this, but I think you should figure out what you're trying to say before you say it to us. The more I reread, the more this seems all over the place. And contradictory. And of course races can dominate and be separate. Demographic studies show America is the most segregated it's been since the 50s. Just ask Dovina. She doesn't even personally know any black people.
Re: Another Chapter by TLRufener	3-Dec-05/6:44 AM
Writing poems like this is sloppy work. You just make one-line sentences like a jerk. They don't even have to be related. Rick Flair's daughter is someone I've dated. Why not try running a thought through a line end? Because that would require you to have a thought.
Re: For my unborn by Caducus	3-Dec-05/6:41 AM
Doesn't really make sense to use birth as a weird verb when you're just repeating it in the next line. You need punctuation at the end of line2, I think. At any rate, it seems like you're trying to say "With every waking there are three of them" and not "It's a painful birth with every waking". Actually, neither way really works for me. I'm getting from your poems that you know alot of things God does that other people don't normally know. How is that? Is that right? I think no, not when it's just as easy to express some uncertainty about it, to emphasize (for example) that it's what you (or, better, a character) IMAGINES God doing. - sleep my children, not sleeps. "Dreaming to be born" is sloppy grammar. Yes it can mean "they dream in order to be born", but it doesn't mean "they dream of being born", so you're not getting your first meaning out of it, much less your subtext. What? Your children never have to dream? What? What the hell? Are they protozoans?
Re: Light within darkness by Caducus	3-Dec-05/6:35 AM
Better than your usual.
Re: Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery	3-Dec-05/6:33 AM
I would suggest not ever, ever using archaic grammar. Especially "doth". Even Shakespeare wouldn't have written that - not when he could just as easily say the same thing with "golden rays reign".
Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138	3-Dec-05/6:30 AM
With a thumping beat I can see it working. But the vocals would have to be almost inaudible.
Re: The Long-Tailed Bird by Zoe	3-Dec-05/6:29 AM
Wow, nice writing. My only criticism is you seems like you're missing some explanation - what's up with the fire and what it has to do with the herons, for starters. Yeah, on a second or third read, I can kind of guess, but my honest opinion is it needs a line, a half-line of explanation. Maybe: 1.) More details of the fire. 2.) More connecting the fire to the flood. 3.) The timing - so the bird came before the fire? That's kind of jarring. 4.) Who's saying all of the lines in quotes. 5.) What exactly happened to the bird? 6.) Who are the boatmen, what's their deal? And a couple others. I'm not stupid or a bad reader. I'm just having a hard time piecing this together. I think it might help to consider your action/story/whatever like a movie or nature-hike: start by looking at one thing, pan to the next, pan to the next, pan to the next, and so on. That said, you sure can write. Golly.
Re: a comment on I'm walking thorough void by Prince of Void	3-Dec-05/6:20 AM
That's the best poemranker post I've seen in weeks.