Re: Observer by Dovina	9-Dec-05/11:26 AM
From a poetry standpoint, I'd simply make all these verbs past tense and fix the rhythm in the last half. Otherwise, good - from a poetry standpoint. From a morality standpoint, as corrupt as ever.
Re: Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	9-Dec-05/1:40 PM
I can't make the utopiawright link work. What's everyone talking about? I want to see!
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Dec-05/7:06 PM
"were thee" is ungrammatical. It should be "wert thou". Meaning "free" has to change or the old-timey talk does. Or the sentence has to be something like, "I enjoyed playing 'where's the rat?' with thee" or "I enjoyed singing Dean Martin tunes to thee". Anyway, odd to think of them having grammar then, isn't it?
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Dec-05/12:10 PM
Lower-case everything except "Her". Make this make sense.
Re: Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond by somemorepoetry	12-Dec-05/12:19 PM
Small edits: - Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon. - Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside". - Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4. - Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring. - "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter". - "I'd found" instead of "I found". - Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well. That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.
Re: Bri's Room (not done) by Sunshine Conkey	12-Dec-05/12:20 PM
Please do us the small courtesy of waiting until you've finished the poem before posting it.
Re: I Remember Thinking by BrandonW	12-Dec-05/12:29 PM
"than she", not "than her".
Re: I saw Your Face Last Night by Dovina	12-Dec-05/12:32 PM
I Saw Your Face Last Night as I lay in bed, each line, each feature in the ceiling, your eyes urgently staring, lips parted as if to receive. Sleep distant your illusion hovered, reaching to me. I lay still, staring, not wishing to lose you in half-sleep, I tasted you in mind, waited for you to invade dreams. An empty place beside me, the sheets there cold, I traced your arms and back.
Re: Relics in Entropy by PsydewaysTears	12-Dec-05/12:35 PM
I will 10-vote all your poems if you can adequately define entropy without looking it up.
Re: no title by candaliesa	12-Dec-05/12:56 PM
Hi, candaliesa. Welcome to poemranker. It's clear that you've got the basics of writing poetry down. But I hope you're getting some ideas from these comments about the direction you should go with your writing. That is, away from overused rhymes and toward more specific and original images. A good rule of thumb is: If you've ever heard the rhyme or image you're thinking of using in any poem, song, or book, ever, DON'T USE IT. Don't be afraid to try for unusual connections between ideas or sounds. And don't be afraid to put the include the real details of your life in your poems. That's what hardworking poets have been doing for over a thousand years, and that's why we have so much good poetry. Do your boyfriend's grooming habits remind you of a duck preening in a pond? Use that! What is it that reminds you? The way he sniffs his underarms, like a duck rooting under a wing with his bill? Great! What rhymes with "preening"? Meaning, intervening? Okay! How about "darjeeling"? It's close enough. Did you ever walk around the city park pond with your boyfriend? Sure! That's how easy (or how difficult) it is. Watch for images, things, people, you can relate to your life or ideas. Then use them. Try to make the rhymes work for the content. Try to make them distinguish your poem. Don't get discouraged. Here's a good idea of rhymes that are overused, and how overused they are: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=97250 Good luck. Seriously, don't give up. zodiac
Re: The Legend of the Crow by TLRufener	12-Dec-05/3:40 PM
What are you doing? This is the legend of THE CROW. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109506/ I'm sorry, I know I've given you crap about unoriginality in the past, but this seriously does not count as your own work.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Dec-05/7:37 PM
"North America is, I believe, the only region on earth where not a single citizen has been deprived of his life for a political offense for the past fifty years." -Alexis de Tocqueville
Re: Observer by Dovina	12-Dec-05/7:40 PM
"Americans are so enamoured of equality they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom."
Re: I saw Your Face Last Night by Dovina	12-Dec-05/7:43 PM
"Mahommed professed to derive from Heaven, and he has inserted in the Koran, not only a body of religious doctrines, but political maxims, civil and criminal laws, and theories of science. The gospel, on the contrary, only speaks of the general relations of men to God and to each other - beyond which it inculcates and imposes no point of faith. This alone, besides a thousand other reasons, would suffice to prove that the former of these religions will never long predominate in a cultivated and democratic age, whilst the latter is destined to retain its sway at these as at all other periods."
Re: Oh Merry Fay (part 1) by ALChemy	13-Dec-05/7:25 AM
Am I missing what the original song was?
Re: Oh Merry Fay (part 1) by ALChemy	13-Dec-05/8:09 AM
This reads like a Mondegreen, I don't know of what. On the surface it's, um, entrancing. As far as punctuation, drop the periods at the ends of lines 1, 3, 4, s2line3, s4line3, s7line4. Add periods s2line5 and s5line7. You might also consider a comma at the end of s2line3, s3line4, s4line3. Other than that, I'm afraid to comment, though I feel like you might have meant "snared" instead of "snarred", "Their" instead of "They're" in the same stanza, and another word besides "girthly". But who am I to say? 8th generation Irish-American, that's what.
Re: You Have It Backwards by LilMsLadyPoet	13-Dec-05/3:20 PM
(1) None of us has denied that there are very intelligent poor people and very stupid rich people. Personally, I'm glad you're smart. Our real difference of opinion is I hold that ON AVERAGE wealthy people are more intelligent than poor people ON AVERAGE. You've offered nothing to dispute that. (2) Naturally, IQ scoring is subjective. AlChemy and I have already pointed out how in the original string. I disagree with your other points in (2), for reasons I've already given. (3) But richer families are proven to be better at providing "stimulating, nurturing environments" ON AVERAGE. Again, I'm glad you had a good environment. But wealthier families are better able to afford an unemployed (or constantly available) parent, a nanny, or good childcare and preschool, while poorer families, traditionally, can't. I should add that my family is not one of those wealthier ones; my parents both worked long hours and extra jobs, and I got dumped in awful, spirit-crushing childcare most of my youth. At any rate, a nurturing environment does TYPICALLY cost money. (4) The average income of a Jordanian is $200 per month. With that amount, Jordanian families, although usually large, can afford to provide for all the basic necessities. In addition, most have satellite TV and many have their own cars. All that nonwithstanding, Jordan is a poor country - though the gap between Jordanians and, say, Americans in terms of both wealth and intelligence is HUGE. As is the gap between Jordanians and survivalists. (5) I've seen people pounding the earth with sticks for food. I've also seen these people: http://www.deere.com/en_GB/forestry/forestry_equipment/product_development/research.html . I guarantee you the bulk of the people running that have servants. (6) re "I get the impression from your statements that you believe all the poor to be of low intelligence in your Arab countries, as well as other poor countries." No. I believe most of them are, but that's beside the point. As far as this argument's concerned, I believe that ON AVERAGE Arabs are not as intelligent as Americans ON AVERAGE. That means, suppose the following Arabs score the following scores on a totally made up intelligence test: AHMAD - 8 MOHAMMAD - 10 HAMD - 2 TAMER - 4 SULTAN - 7 ...and the following Americans score these scores on the same made-up test: JOHN - 9 GARY - 9 STU - 2 VIRGIL - 5 LORENZO - 7 ...then ON AVERAGE Arabs have an intelligence of 6.2 and Americans have an intelligence of 6.4. This is what I believe to be the case. Does that mean Mohammad isn't smarter than all the Americans tested? No. Does it even mean that more Americans scored higher than 6 on the test than Arabs? No. That's all I'm saying. Sorry to belabor this, but poets seem to have a hard time getting averages. (7) The poor settlers coming to America probably innovated so much because almost immediately upon arriving in America they became much better off than they had been in their home countries. Keep in mind that they didn't innovate more than people today innovate; they just innovated more than other people at their time innovated. (8) I don't understand the rest of your comment (or see how it relates much to our topic.) I hope this explains my position better. Thanks for taking the time to debate! zodiac
Re: You Have It Backwards by LilMsLadyPoet	13-Dec-05/4:38 PM
PS-From the other string: LilMsLadyPoet: I'm sorry, but when I see the words 'socialism and civic responsibility'...'institutions' that 'collectively' mandate you help a worthless neighbor, that you OWE something to anybody who has his hand out, that your sweat, labour, and reward should be used to raise 'the collective' of people needing your assistance...well...I stop listening. Responsible citizenship, to me, does not mean "responsible to and for the citizens". zodiac: That's all well and good, and I'm as egotist (or egoist, I always forget which,) as the next guy. But what would you say if I suggested that your future is very much in the hands of those people you refuse to feed? (Don't believe me? What are you paying for gas recently?) What if the odds are very high that you or someone you know will be blown up by some worthless guy you didn't hand out to? Are handouts justfied if they might prevent that? I'd very much like to hear your answer.
Re: One Moment to the Other (v3) by nentwined	14-Dec-05/5:24 PM
I checked onelook.com, search terms *mary, *mery, *mory, and *mury, and got: GEMMARY, n. A receptacle for jewels or gems; a jewel house; jewels or gems, collectively. GREMORY, in demonology, a strong Duke of Hell that governs twenty-six legions of demons. She tells all things past, present and future, about hidden treasures, and procures the love of women, young and old, but especially maidens. She is depicted as appearing in the form of a beautiful woman with the crown of a duchess tied around her waist, and riding a camel. Other spellings: Gamory, Gemory, Gomory BLOMERY, n. (Manuf.) A furnace and forge in which wrought iron in the form of blooms is made directly from the ore, or (more rarely) from cast iron. GRAMARY, magic; enchantment (NOTE-http://phrontistery.info/ for obscure words. It's ace.) NUMMARY, a. Of or relating to coins or money. FLUMMERY, n, Meaningless or deceptive language; humbug. Any of several soft, sweet, bland foods, such as custard. BUMMERY, n. See Bottomery. [Obs.] There was a scivener of Wapping brought to hearing for relief against a bummery bond. --R. North. STEMMERY, n. A large building in which tobacco is stemmed Also, SUMMARY, PRIMARY, INFIRMARY. If you want to use an obscure word for the rhyme, try the Dylan trick of using the obscure word for the first appearance of the sound, followed by the obvious rhyme (rather than looking like you forced yourself to resort to an obscure word to finish the rhyme.)
Re: The Cowardice of Francis Evans by Caducus	15-Dec-05/2:21 PM
Soil has swords? Where? Make it something else bejewelled. Or make a better metaphor for frost than jewels. corvids - no apostrophe. platoons - no apostrophe. Hopefully you're starting to get the problem. Sun has risen, not rose. Not even in joke. winter's - with an apostrophe, because it's possessive. Verse 3 is great. The only part of this even close to what I'd call "the style of I like." Verse 4's good too.