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The Cowardice of Francis Evans (Free verse) by Caducus
I watched the frost cry for sunrise Jewelling the swords of soil dawn gave birth to death and a choir of corvid's rejoiced on steel giants by granite platoon's. Dawn dances in its white gown On empty graves dressed in nettles The wind has come to moan The sun has rose to fall And like the crown of winters queen All that lives is all that's green. My great uncle sleeps here Shot for cowardice in 1917 He held his friends cranium Then held his friend Took his wedding ring for safekeeping And hitched a ride to Esbjerg. He left Esbjerg a soldier of the King Arrived in Harwich a traitor He lived to complete his vow And arrived at Ethel's a man. "William told me to tell you Goodbye" and gave her a pressed thistle, Ethel remarried and had twelve grandchildren My Uncle was captured on his 20th year Tied to a plinth with a blindfold Singing "Abide with me" Before he was shot by six children. Every epitaph tells a story And my Uncle so loved the dawn His name was Francis Evans The fiancé of Margaret The Father of her miscarriage And coward revoked 80 years later by a fat mayor in Warwick.

Up the ladder: Echo
Down the ladder: Memory

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
.. 02
.. 30
.. 20
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 6.7777777
Weighted score: 5.888889
Overall Rank: 1506
Posted: December 15, 2005 7:09 AM PST; Last modified: December 15, 2005 7:09 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 15-Dec-05/11:08 AM | Reply
cranium in the third stanza just doesn't sound right for me...
[8] Dovina @ 209.242.149.240 | 15-Dec-05/1:40 PM | Reply
I like the first two lines.

In winter, all that lives is not necessarily green.

"The sun has risen to fall"

When it changes from description to story in S3, it feel like the start of a new poem.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 | 15-Dec-05/2:21 PM | Reply
Soil has swords? Where? Make it something else bejewelled. Or make a better metaphor for frost than jewels.

corvids - no apostrophe. platoons - no apostrophe. Hopefully you're starting to get the problem.

Sun has risen, not rose. Not even in joke.

winter's - with an apostrophe, because it's possessive.

Verse 3 is great. The only part of this even close to what I'd call "the style of I like." Verse 4's good too.
[8] Dovina @ 209.242.149.240 > zodiac | 15-Dec-05/2:26 PM | Reply
Yes, soil has swords. Anyone from North Carolina has, sometime in his life, seen the morning hoarfrost spearing its way out of the ground.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > Dovina | 15-Dec-05/2:26 PM | Reply
Oh, yeah, sure. It's still a silly metaphor.
[8] Dovina @ 209.242.149.240 > zodiac | 15-Dec-05/2:31 PM | Reply
You're saying that because I said I like it.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > Dovina | 15-Dec-05/3:16 PM | Reply
No I'm not. You'll have to take my word on that.
[n/a] Caducus @ 80.168.198.70 > zodiac | 16-Dec-05/1:42 AM | Reply
You're a hard one to please but i like that about you. The frost on blades of grass melting is to imply the grass weeping for whats underneath it as everything else blooms the rest is not. Technically its a turkey but its a hybrid, a experimental piece and all points made are fair by you all.

So long as it hits its a breather.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > Caducus | 16-Dec-05/5:39 AM | Reply
I thought you might have meant grass. (to Dovina: hoarfrost - ha!) That's fine. Don't say soil, then. It sounds like you're talking about swords made out of soil. Even 'the grass that the soil waves around like swords' is weak. Just drop the misleading 'soil' altogether.
[8] Dovina @ 17.255.240.162 > zodiac | 16-Dec-05/10:44 AM | Reply
Caducus, he learned a cold-country word from a warm-country Californian and is having fits. Please be patient.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > Dovina | 16-Dec-05/10:46 AM | Reply
You are so retarded.
[8] zodiac @ 69.132.67.140 > Dovina | 16-Dec-05/10:50 AM | Reply
DOVINA: I'm not retarded! What an awful thing to say! So typical of someone like you!

ZODIAC: You just accused me of having fits. And of learning a word from a Californian.

DOVINA: That's so different! What I'm saying is true, while what you're saying is untrue.
[8] Dovina @ 17.255.240.162 > zodiac | 16-Dec-05/10:52 AM | Reply
yes, all that is true.
[7] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 15-Dec-05/8:37 PM | Reply
I liked it. Good. (I'm bad at reviewing, but know what i like.)
[5] LilMsLadyPoet @ 207.69.137.27 | 15-Dec-05/10:32 PM | Reply
Dawn dances in its white gown
On empty graves dressed in nettles
The wind has come to moan
The sun has (risen) to fall
And like the crown of winter's queen
All that lives
is all that's green.
(This is awesome, but to me the rest does not have the same high quality of flavor...this was rich, the rest was flat, comparitively.) 9 on this part alone, minus the spelling errors.
[7] sliver @ 172.199.242.198 | 19-Dec-05/12:28 AM | Reply
I liked the imagery, And I actually pictured hoarfrost in the first stanza.
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