Re: Yea u guys by That One	26-Jan-04/7:15 AM
Once again, Jesus was a Greek nickname for a Hebrew.
Re: Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/7:23 AM
I feel like I should say more on this: although I am totally in favor of poems that tell stories (I personally am working on a poetic style that is only nouns and verbs,) I don't feel like this poem tells enough. There's only one possible meaning (not counting the aforementioned seamen,) so it doesn't hold up to repeated readings. Take a closer look at that famous albatross poem. It's an extended (though clumsy, yes,) allegory - or more than one, but mainly about respect for nature, etc. You don't have anything but events, which are not even presented in the end as anything shocking or weird. Yeah, you start with Murder! which is grabbing, but it just peters out. He eats the bones and goes home. Look for ways to make it mean something more. That's about it.
Re: Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/12:26 PM
And no one else has commented on the pools of seamen. That's weird.
Re: Just Passing Through by southernboy71	26-Jan-04/12:29 PM
"I like to think that the nicer the people I get to meet, The better a person I become." This line needs to be reworded.
Re: I Go On by drumrgirl30	26-Jan-04/12:31 PM
"Cool as ice , on the outside I must be..." When you have to invert like that, you need a new rhyme. All of the rest of the language is normal, which makes it really stick out.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/2:40 PM
The passage "while this deconstruction of residential zoning half-burnt brick and mortar shell shining," doesn't form a clause. What happens "while"? I would understand if you meant for it to be like that, with the abruptness of "rebuild" and all, but if not it needs a verb. I would also take the "sweet" out of "sweet train wreck" and even (really controlling unsolicited advice here) drop the "and" from the beginning of that line and the "The" before sirens. It's really good otherwise. Don't think I criticized so much because I don't like it. You'll see I'm harder on the good ones.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/2:44 PM
"Many tears, she shall shed," When the rankers all have read This same trite stuff as all your others On breaks from shagging their own mothers.
Re: Sissy Faggot by Shardik	26-Jan-04/2:52 PM
a tampon with wings? Anatomically impossible!
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/3:56 PM
Much better.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	26-Jan-04/10:28 PM
Okay, I appreciate the situation you're in. Let me try to give you a suggestion without freaking you out. I get the feeling you're trying to write poetry that sounds like poetry. Do you understand what I'm saying? You might feel like it won't be poetry unless it's... well, poetic. Unless it uses a kind of diction and phrasing that is like what you imagine is in other poetry. This is bad. I'm not saying you should write stuff that looks like mine (which is really mostly bad prose with some clever slant rhymes,) but you should approach poetry writing with the idea that if you've ever ever EVER EVER EVER EVER heard a phrase used before, then you should never ever use it. Understand? Poetry is the truest form for expressing things originally, and the thing that kills it (see crystal swift and others here) is when your reader thinks you're not being original. Other people here will say it's a bad idea to read other poetry. I say go ahead, so you'll get an idea of what NOT to say - what's already been said. If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with your first line. Have you ever heard someone say that before? Yes, of course. So think of a new way to say it. And go on from there, line by line. Step two: line breaks (ie, where you hit ENTER) in poetry aren't just for the end of phrases (which is what you have here.) Okay, they can be. But they're not usually. Change it up so some of your thoughts end in the middle of lines, so some thoughts are broken into little parts, each of which (as you get better) has a chance for having its own meaning. Step three: PUNCTUATE. To most readers a line break isn't going to mean a period. In idea of enjambment means that it's traditional now to read through a break onto the next line (ie, 'take you from me my heart was made, etc.) Put in periods, commas, like you're writing prose. And say 'because' instead of 'cuz'. Is that enough for a start?
Re: Under a better bed wetter by Shardik	26-Jan-04/10:29 PM
I don't get 'used to bed miss'.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	26-Jan-04/10:33 PM
Once again, I'm the punctuation and line-break hound. I don't relish this.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/10:43 PM
It's good. Could probably stand to be shortened in some places, or poetried up. I couldn't begin to say where right now (2 am here) but I'll give it a look tomorrow.
Re: I Go On by drumrgirl30	27-Jan-04/8:20 AM
The last thing we can afford to be as writers is our own sensitive swooning stereotypes. Think of this as boot camp, drumrgrl, and go on.
Re: So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602	27-Jan-04/10:41 AM
And even rockmage dissed it.
Re: My happy warm faith poem by Jeremi B. Handrinos	27-Jan-04/11:51 AM
Magnificent. I wonder, what will she think? Will she know?
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	27-Jan-04/1:31 PM
"She melts in the flow" - this is odd, but ultimately passable. The part from "bind her" to "cannot see" is the poem's best, but needs different punctuation. I deleted your two (by editing, not maliciously) from my last post. You can go redo it if you want. I'd be really happy if you made a comment while you were at it.
Re: Fastened to my belt by irishfolksuicide	27-Jan-04/1:40 PM
This is really really good. Maybe the best post of the day. I just have one small question: the priest gives contrition, right? Or do you mean for it to be reversed?
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:04 PM
"traces their path" - whose? The turtles', I guess, but I got confused for a minute. I thought it was the shoes' path. I'd make that clearer. And the last part about the tugs is either badly worded or unnecesary. Especially wondering how the turtles feel. I like the idea, and can't decide if it's better left to the imagination (whether or not it's homecoming). No vote until I have more time to think.
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:39 PM
My post is finally beating My Life as a Single Teenage Girl!