| Re: Forbidden Love by beakism |
11-Sep-02/10:10 AM |
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This poem was awful, til the end. Then it became very funny. Thanks for pulling me in.
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| Re: June 6, 1973 by Limness |
11-Sep-02/9:29 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Gone Away by Christof |
11-Sep-02/8:18 AM |
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Maybe you can talk about repeating the mantra 'Only 5 days' and the fact that this charm/prayer/spell is not working. And/or try wording it '5 days now' just keep at it. I know you'll get it.
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| Re: Gone Away by Christof |
11-Sep-02/8:03 AM |
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The rythmn is right. And the words are true. Excellent. My only complaint is the last line. I already knew what you were emplying at 'Only 5 days' Is their a better way to end this?
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| Re: a comment on Lavendar Gate by <~> |
10-Sep-02/12:37 PM |
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oh! So the place itself was a little overdone for it's setting. You establish the sense of quiet late evening very well. I picture you in flannels.
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| Re: Lavendar Gate by <~> |
10-Sep-02/12:01 PM |
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Lovely. "Green-swathed" & "attic keep" seem slightly pretentious in this setting. Stanza 1 has a simpler voice.
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| Re: Words by PawnedTidal |
10-Sep-02/12:55 AM |
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Don't forget to fuck her one last time strictly out of spite. Then tell her what a piece of shit she is and through her out of the house. A golden opportunity my friend. Otherwise no poetry.
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| Re: My cousin's baby sitter. by Bachus |
10-Sep-02/12:45 AM |
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"Filled her up just right" makes my skin crawl. (Please remind me again why I love you). Good job being creepy. The last stanza says it all.
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| Re: The Writing Life by poetandknowit |
10-Sep-02/12:34 AM |
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Writers Block? Pesky neighbor. I bet you'd like to blow a hole through him large enought to accommodate a view.(or a small toddler).
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| Re: a comment on Russian Roulette by <~> |
10-Sep-02/12:24 AM |
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You're making my brain hurt. Are you on drugs?
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| Re: a comment on Russian Roulette by <~> |
10-Sep-02/12:15 AM |
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Plus, she says the kitchen is ruined, not destroyed. He pretty muched ruined the whole house wouldn'y you say? Regardless of the structual damage.
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| Re: a comment on Russian Roulette by <~> |
10-Sep-02/12:07 AM |
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If you're asking me, no I don't think the kid could fit through it. There still remains the possibility that it isn't really all that large. I can see alot through a small opening. And if I'm caught in a surreal moment I can see everything. The kids never getting anywhere near that hole.
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| Re: a comment on Russian Roulette by <~> |
9-Sep-02/11:54 PM |
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The hole represents to me, sort of the mundane mixed with the horror. She walks in, sees the guy her child takes after sprawle d out in his own blood and she notices Hey, I can see the kitchen from here. In my minds eye the kitchen is still normal and untouched. Like looking into a dollhouse. Keep it.
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| Re: untitled#3 by darby pyn |
9-Sep-02/11:42 PM |
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Yes is my favorite word this evening. So yes. In my opinion this really starts working at "With one extended..." The first 4 and a half lines are some what overdone, dispite that, I like it.
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| Re: Russian Roulette by <~> |
9-Sep-02/11:27 PM |
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Bravo sister. Keep sharpening your pencils. Solid 10s.
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| Re: Russian Roulette by <~> |
9-Sep-02/11:18 PM |
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Yes absolutely yes! Try making the 1st stanza, which will now be the 2nd, present tense. Does that sound better to you?
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| Re: Russian Roulette by <~> |
9-Sep-02/11:02 PM |
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4, 5, & 6 definitely. "The recoil sent you..." So good I closed my eyes. Yes. I also like the way she rides her moto without her helmet. Some R&R of her own. Whether you meant that way or not.
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| Re: Oaxaca city fragment by poetandknowit |
9-Sep-02/10:51 PM |
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There is a strong contrast to your other poems. I like that effect. Although they too venture into the unseemly realities, this one is particulary dark. 40 words 13 of them harsh. I want to know more. Look to the left, look to the right. Walk down the street, enter. Plus you used my favorite word.
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| Re: Flame by Rlee |
8-Sep-02/11:17 PM |
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O.k. please explain to me how you made the judgement call on this thing. I know you have anonymity and everything but holy jeez, you should be embarassed. <beset us both on ...> Beset means to attack on all sides, to assail. As in we here at poemranker are beset with awful, dreadful, bad, yucky, smelly, stinky,stupid, poor excuses for poetry. WRITHING COMETS!!! WRITHING COMETS!!! Comets neither writh nor are infinite. How does a key unfold something?! It unlocks, it opens, it reveals. I know I'm being unduly harsh but I'm fed up. TORTURED STAKES?!?!
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| Re: BEAKBOY, A Tale Of Suffering by beakism |
8-Sep-02/10:44 PM |
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Hurrah! Well written, well executed.
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