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untitled#3 (Free verse) by darby pyn Shades extend off tombstone podiums grabbing
more with your eye's than words could ever
touch. transgress beyond your conclusion. live
in the now. sandpaper handshakes contort and test
the limits of your reservation. with one exhausted
thought the sides fall and your at the crossroad's
of your day. impulses breach the veil between
thinking and doing. etiquette is lost to the
monotony of the day. nothing is sacred no one is spared.
Up the ladder:
Everything Has Changed
Down the ladder:
#6
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.9428573
Posted: September 9, 2002 11:24 AM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2002 1:29 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9428763 Overall Rank: 9018 Comments:
[7]
god'swife @ 209.179.136.133
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9-Sep-02/11:42 PM
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Reply
Yes is my favorite word this evening. So yes. In my opinion this really starts working at "With one extended..." The first 4 and a half lines are some what overdone, dispite that, I like it.
I do not like this, so listen to GW. It is so well done (as in over cooked) that I can almost hear you trying to be clever. I want the words to come effortless; these seem forced and contrived. And add an apostrophe to your.
It's simple. a story comes to me, I put it on
paper, if I like it I expose it. being clever is not an option my vocabulary is basic and the process is too fast. but I understand this is a site full of criticism and praise and both are needed to grow.
I have tried, but can make no sense of this. which would be fine, if it least entertained me. but it does not. how sad.
your title is either "tombstone podiums" or your last sentence or ofcourse rebridled#pee.
I like pee. :)
I think your poem was pretty good but that you needed to break it up so that it would read a little more smoothly.
You have some very original lines:
tombstone podiums sandpaper handshakes etiquette is lost to the monotony of the day. -These are my favorites. My only problems are with the layout and grammar.
superb. 8.
INSERT WORDS YOU LEFT OUT. SERIOUSLY, IN THIS CASE EVERY FORMALISM IS YOUR GREATEST ALLY.
the thing that distracts me right off the bat is the apostrophe in "eyes" that should be there. not to mention the "your" that should be "you're." this has a nice flow. i have no idea what it's saying, but i don't really care either because of the way it moves. 8 swastikas!
intriguing....
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