| Re: Piccadilly to Baker Street by Caducus |
2-Jun-04/1:12 PM |
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| Re: Tomorrow's Dance by RevHydra |
2-Jun-04/1:13 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jun-04/1:17 PM |
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Hip Hop meets Peace-nik meets Mother Goose meets Fundamentalism meets every 20something 'street-poet' doing her thang.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jun-04/7:49 PM |
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Is 'is' suppose to be 'as', or is 'grows' suppose to be 'growing'? Otherwise, I think your poem is very good.
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| Re: asleep in the night by saylor3000 |
4-Jun-04/3:27 PM |
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I'd eat a double bacon cheeseburger with a large order of curly fries and a large vanilla shake.
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| Re: love by francis nor capule |
4-Jun-04/3:30 PM |
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Are you the Down's syndrome love child of Rod McKuen, or some kind of retarded stalker? This poem is so bad it's frightening.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
4-Jun-04/3:41 PM |
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Girls Gone Wild, San Felipe 2001.
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| Re: Black Rose by arduinn |
4-Jun-04/3:44 PM |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH AAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok I feel better now.
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| Re: Wedding Day by Caducus |
9-Jun-04/11:45 AM |
You know there are some fantastic images here, but then you drown them in muck.
That first stanza is romantic and quite musical intil thee last line. reminds me of Garcia Lorca and than at the end it's like eating the last peanut in the Cracker Jacks and it tastes all rotten and soggy. Do you take writing poetry seriously, or are here because your bored?
Her vanilla gown was lifted. I like that line. it has a nice assonance.
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| Re: Litany by zodiac |
9-Jun-04/11:49 AM |
Kill the first line in all 3 stanzas. Also do you have to mention the bed? Can't it just be 'lain next to you'?
oh forget it. Are you pulling my leg here?
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| Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT |
9-Jun-04/12:32 PM |
Humans die all sorts of ways, so be more specific. Name someone who died that way. Also aren't you describing what happens after death?
Kill the 'on unforgiving...' line. the line before it is so much more interesting and the audience already knows windshields are transparent. "Jealous" how is it jealous? I don't know what the next 2 lines stand for, but it would sound and look better without the 'a' before fluid. What do those lines mean? It isn't clear.
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| Re: my unicorn by francis nor capule |
9-Jun-04/12:35 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jun-04/12:42 PM |
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You're not really this naive?
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| Re: driven by ThePariahDog |
9-Jun-04/5:24 PM |
That's it, I'm gonna kill somebody.
What are you trying, in your own ridiculously long-winded and formless way, to say here? This is clearly about absolutely nothing! What, you went for a drive on a really hot day?
Touch and go objectives????
Devil driven influences inable an inner calmness??
How?
Surrounding air permissisibly drags you? What, do you live at 40 ATMS?
This is hopeless.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jun-04/5:33 PM |
You can taste the glimmered reflection of an ocean moon?
If only the thumb wrestling, the glance and the smile convey meaning then why are you writing about all that other crap?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jun-04/5:38 PM |
The marital sin? What the fuck is that? If it's what I think it is, you're horribly repressed. Go directly to looneybins.com and get some therapy.
Healed strings? Healed strings? Hahahhahahaha!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jun-04/6:02 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jun-04/6:07 PM |
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| Re: Bugs by INTRANSIT |
10-Jun-04/12:00 PM |
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Wow, that's so much better!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Jun-04/12:14 PM |
Unfortunately the 'trate' implies that you only 'tried' to have sex, and never actually succeeded.
'Que tuve sexo' would be wittier.
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