Re: Butterfly Belly, Orchid Face by Sunny	22-Mar-06/9:13 PM
I think you should drop the entire first tri-whateveryoucallit. Like a pregnant women's. That is love... Drop sun at the end of stanza 3, or drop yellow. In the 4th stanza, why is there a ; after cold? The next line reads like the beginning of a new thought. I can't see how it ties in with London's smog head cold. It ends beautifully.
Re: Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow by Sunny	22-Mar-06/9:17 PM
The ending kills this otherwise impressive poem. It's like watching two hours of a movie just to find in the end it was merely a dream, haha. Is it the sun that winces or you? There are some wonderful fresh images here, very original. Overall this poem is perfectly lovely.
Re: Sea Words by ecargo	22-Mar-06/9:23 PM
Sweet and round. Sweet and round. This poem actually called up the ocean-front for me. I can hear the gulls squawking.
regarding some deleted poem...	22-Mar-06/9:34 PM
Nice first stanza change something to the one thing or better yet call the thing the Harvester: ... ... At the harvester harvesting the grains of his grief. Get rid of the parentheticals at the end of stanza 2. No one is two seperate words. Everyone knocks sentimentality, but it works well here. The protaganist is solid enough to anchor the sentiment.
Re: Life Is Like A Rose by x0lovelylarnx0	22-Mar-06/10:08 PM
You already are something, you don't need to grow-up for that. Quite the contrary; most folks forget who they are when they enter the world of grownuppedness. teen's parents hearts. Doesn't that sound awful to you? Young teen's is redundant. If you mean what you write then that line is saying kids who are in the lower teens(13, 14) excluding the older teens(18,19). Is that what you meant to come across? Don't preach in poetry. That too, is redundant. Again at the end you say ...you alone have your own purpose. That statement logically concludes that no one else in the world has their own purpose, only whoever happens to be reading your poem. Write what you mean. It's the first step. Read your writing carefully. The message in your poem is true enough, that's very good. But you should practice different ways of expressing things. 'Live life to the fullest' is not only cliche but, more relevantly, it's extremely vague. What gauge is used to measure how full or empty a life has been lived?
Re: A look inside [someone real} by Garrett S Sexton	28-Mar-06/6:10 PM
Well if the point of this so called poem is not to impress anyone this one succeeds. That little bio you give at the end(ABOUT THE ARTIST)is much closer to being poetry ABOUT THE ARTIST Jamie & Josh have split for good though she clings. He has slowly but gently has pushed her away. No kith nor kin, and a mind not unlike a ten year old. It was BIZARRE then that she dumped him. He now, being a nice chap, had the perfect escape. She had cancer young, nearly died, so is clingy to Mum. However, Mum and 3 half sisters (all by different dads) treat her like Cinderella. It's still a piece of crap but at least it flows better and is more interesting. "It's still a good poem because it's real" How the hell did you come up with this absurd notion? You don't have the first idea about poetry. The first line about the pencil is good.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	28-Mar-06/6:28 PM
The first line is very good. The next two lines are awful. Never us 'though' in a poem. It's theatrical and steals sincerity from everything it touches. This reads like a children's picture book. The penultimate line has a good metaphor, the storm being drowned out by wine. But again it's to ostentatious. I never heard of the moon being referred to as a child. Please explain.
Re: To Michelle by ALChemy	28-Mar-06/6:32 PM
Are you at all interested in your poetry reflecting contemporary life, or are you affecting the role of a dandy purposefully? This is foppish.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	30-Mar-06/6:57 PM
red·neck n. Offensive Slang 1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class. 2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.
Re: Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7	30-Mar-06/7:12 PM
The title is beautiful but I think you meant Sterling not Stearling. Also this is not free verse. Free verse doesn't have a rhyme pattern this poem does- AABB. Don't give yourself anonymous 10's or ask your friends to, it's not worth losing your dignity. Are you serious about learnig to write poetry or are you just experimenting?
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Mar-06/11:05 PM
These are insightful observations. Very concrete which for me packs the biggest punch. We understand the world through our senses much more than through our intellect. the first line of the last stanza has a great deal of impact, more so because of its simplicity. You have a very sincere voice and that's the most important thing. Technique can be learned if one is willing. Think about flow. In that field where your body is mixed with the dirt you will lie after 7 years without your man. Now your dying erases the sweet divide. Erases the moments you cried. I saw only blue above your tomb. Come April I envy the dead; Cruel month of Easter and springtime. And I was dead too. Till I saw blue skies & tulips today at your funeral.
Re: Euclidian Insanity by tryplsyted	28-Apr-06/12:48 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	28-Apr-06/12:49 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.
Re: Cry by Sunny	28-Apr-06/12:49 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.
Re: Meditation on the Future by MacFrantic	28-Apr-06/12:51 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers. You can't dash away? Who really dashes, in real life i mean, who dashes? You corny idiot.
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	28-Apr-06/12:53 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers. You are vague. Your poem is vague. Your life is one vague boring monotone.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/12:54 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.
Re: FISH by annadoc	28-Apr-06/12:55 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers. You write like an epiletic having a fit.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	28-Apr-06/1:00 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers. To mindlessly shit with the doves you mean.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/1:02 AM
You have no grasp on human existence. I cannot even venture to guess what childhood atrocities must have been inflicited on you to make you want to write such an empty and uninspired piece of shit as this. You're just one more sorry ass strutting around in this pitiful sanctuary for self-important asses. This drivel lacks all relevancy. Is this what you sit around pondering about? Is this the most intriguing most profound most soulful experience you can write about? What the fuck, are you some kind of horrible mutant? Try 'writing' something pertinent, germane, material, apropos to the soul and its struggle. It's tragic that such a bunch of heartless pukes have turned a once stimulating arena of thought into a incestuious hotbed of superfluous and inferior banter. The fact that some idiots feel it neccessary, let alone plausible, to leave comments on such atrocities is only more proof that you've all completely lost connection with the drama of human existence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Get a life. A real one consisting of love and loss, pain and exrutiating ecxtasy, the awareness of our absurd and fleeting existence. You're all stuck in a boring putrid land of make believe. Fucking losers.