on Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer
4 May 2004, 5:49 PM
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form -
Added to my faves.
Added to my faves.
on I Find Myself Standing by Aetius
4 May 2004, 11:08 AM
Shouldn't you be chatting someplace??
;O)
Not bad, this one - not bad at all. Might be a little preposition heavy in S1 (fairly easily fixed - trade away across somehow since it's implied by the bridge).
It's got a nice feel to it.
ah - I just notice <~> hit on the pronouns. Those little words that offer little value are what will kill you.
Over a third of the words are either preps or pronouns.
;O)
Not bad, this one - not bad at all. Might be a little preposition heavy in S1 (fairly easily fixed - trade away across somehow since it's implied by the bridge).
It's got a nice feel to it.
ah - I just notice <~> hit on the pronouns. Those little words that offer little value are what will kill you.
Over a third of the words are either preps or pronouns.
on tribute by francis nor capule
4 May 2004, 7:37 AM
Is a good question(s), to be sure.
And raises still more (nothing wrong with that). I think you might be limiting the poem's impact by making that last suggestion, somehow?
And raises still more (nothing wrong with that). I think you might be limiting the poem's impact by making that last suggestion, somehow?
on Natural Remedy by richa
4 May 2004, 7:33 AM
Aye - cleaner.
questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...
questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...
Now, if you are going to purposefully post bum crap then correct someone (like me) who points out its not bad, then I aint gonna play anymore.
It is a little light in the sense department, but I give you the benefit of the doubt - don't make me regret it.
It is a little light in the sense department, but I give you the benefit of the doubt - don't make me regret it.
replying on Natural Remedy by richa
3 May 2004, 1:40 PM
It does have a comedic feel to is somehow, doesn't it?
Okay, Z - lets have a go at this...
I like the cadence of it, first off.
"backwards gravity" got it, like it - falls up (geographically).
then an image of the black mother (had to look up "rucked") making sexual advances (I see...)
I liked the car "idled into emptiness"; left running - good.
I wasn't able to associate with the rot-sweetness of tragedy or the puritan wet-dreams, but I understood it to be a description of something that may be a demographic universal.
then there's the suicide scene (is it?) - which I think is a little rushed - or perhaps too complex. I liked the red clay on the shoes - does this mean she's been buried? Made me think so, anyway.
I guess I'm not sure what exactly *is* going on in those last two-odd stanzas. A bit more sculpting maybe?
I like the cadence of it, first off.
"backwards gravity" got it, like it - falls up (geographically).
then an image of the black mother (had to look up "rucked") making sexual advances (I see...)
I liked the car "idled into emptiness"; left running - good.
I wasn't able to associate with the rot-sweetness of tragedy or the puritan wet-dreams, but I understood it to be a description of something that may be a demographic universal.
then there's the suicide scene (is it?) - which I think is a little rushed - or perhaps too complex. I liked the red clay on the shoes - does this mean she's been buried? Made me think so, anyway.
I guess I'm not sure what exactly *is* going on in those last two-odd stanzas. A bit more sculpting maybe?
on Natural Remedy by richa
3 May 2004, 1:26 PM
The word "can" just irks me. Given your propensity toward an economy of words you could easily just loose "can" and put an s on "cure[s]" - does it hurt the meter then? I don't think so; up to you.
For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up.
In some,
most things - short of illness,
as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc...
So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).
For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up.
In some,
most things - short of illness,
as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc...
So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).
on Black Belt by etherealmaiden
3 May 2004, 11:01 AM
I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction.
How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
replying on Black Belt by etherealmaiden
3 May 2004, 10:57 AM
To Know Him, is to Love Him - to Love Him, is to loose all hope.
replying on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi
3 May 2004, 6:23 AM
for the slain line
something like "A guy could get killed out here." - inject a bit of personality
(or even nothing?)
Brain is fine, no?
something like "A guy could get killed out here." - inject a bit of personality
(or even nothing?)
Brain is fine, no?
on the beale street mud festival. by wilco
2 May 2004, 7:35 PM
"only sound" really is tough to pull off...
Some nice images here.
Some nice images here.
on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi
2 May 2004, 7:31 PM
Not loving the brain/slain rhyme.
The acrostic"ness" is extremely smooth however, so ju get a tenspot from me.
The acrostic"ness" is extremely smooth however, so ju get a tenspot from me.
replying on All Alone by QuirkyWonder
2 May 2004, 7:12 PM
This poem (and apparently those poems you like) is second person.
Third person would be "he", "she", "they", "[person's name]"
First person was like your reply (above).
Third person would be "he", "she", "they", "[person's name]"
First person was like your reply (above).
on vigilante park -- by Ross Robbins by achingwish
30 Apr 2004, 9:58 PM
lovely
on The Conqueror Worm by zodiac
30 Apr 2004, 11:44 AM
Simply the best thing you've ever fucking done.
Brilliant. Absolutely Memorable. I'll take it to my grave and I am grateful that I have seen it before I go there.
Brilliant. Absolutely Memorable. I'll take it to my grave and I am grateful that I have seen it before I go there.
replying on Its the same old static & flaccid striptease. by SupremeDreamer
28 Apr 2004, 6:57 AM
One time - oh man, this is so cool - on time, I found a syringe and I like ground it up, you know man, like melted the melty parts and like cut up the metal parts really really really small and i put it in a spoon and then like poured it out of the spoon cuz I really didn't know what to do with it once it was in the spoon, so anyway I had this black and shiney mix of the remains of this syringe I found and I was going to like, snort it but it seemed to shiney to do that so I though maybe, like - "hey, rub it on your gums, man" so I started doing that - but if wicked fucking started hurting alot so I stopped, and well I put the rest in a zip-lock baggie (yellow and blue make green) and now I keep the baggie in my locker except when I show it to my friends and tell them about the time I found a syringe.
I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told.
AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.