Re: Funeral of My Childhood by Spindle	4-May-04/5:55 PM
-=D_A=-, may we get a score please? I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told. AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.
Re: Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer	4-May-04/5:49 PM
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form - Added to my faves.
Re: I Find Myself Standing by Aetius	4-May-04/11:08 AM
Shouldn't you be chatting someplace?? ;O) Not bad, this one - not bad at all. Might be a little preposition heavy in S1 (fairly easily fixed - trade away across somehow since it's implied by the bridge). It's got a nice feel to it. ah - I just notice <~> hit on the pronouns. Those little words that offer little value are what will kill you. Over a third of the words are either preps or pronouns.
Re: tribute by francis nor capule	4-May-04/7:37 AM
Is a good question(s), to be sure. And raises still more (nothing wrong with that). I think you might be limiting the poem's impact by making that last suggestion, somehow?
Re: Natural Remedy by richa	4-May-04/7:33 AM
Aye - cleaner. questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...
Re: a comment on Gothic by zodiac	3-May-04/8:06 PM
Yeah, if you could just do that from now on, that would be good. Thanks.
Re: a comment on Gothic by zodiac	3-May-04/5:14 PM
Now, if you are going to purposefully post bum crap then correct someone (like me) who points out its not bad, then I aint gonna play anymore. It is a little light in the sense department, but I give you the benefit of the doubt - don't make me regret it.
Re: a comment on Natural Remedy by richa	3-May-04/1:40 PM
It does have a comedic feel to is somehow, doesn't it?
Re: Gothic by zodiac	3-May-04/1:38 PM
Okay, Z - lets have a go at this... I like the cadence of it, first off. "backwards gravity" got it, like it - falls up (geographically). then an image of the black mother (had to look up "rucked") making sexual advances (I see...) I liked the car "idled into emptiness"; left running - good. I wasn't able to associate with the rot-sweetness of tragedy or the puritan wet-dreams, but I understood it to be a description of something that may be a demographic universal. then there's the suicide scene (is it?) - which I think is a little rushed - or perhaps too complex. I liked the red clay on the shoes - does this mean she's been buried? Made me think so, anyway. I guess I'm not sure what exactly *is* going on in those last two-odd stanzas. A bit more sculpting maybe?
Re: Natural Remedy by richa	3-May-04/1:26 PM
The word "can" just irks me. Given your propensity toward an economy of words you could easily just loose "can" and put an s on "cure[s]" - does it hurt the meter then? I don't think so; up to you. For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up. In some, most things - short of illness, as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc... So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).
Re: Black Belt by etherealmaiden	3-May-04/11:01 AM
I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction. How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
Re: a comment on Black Belt by etherealmaiden	3-May-04/10:57 AM
To Know Him, is to Love Him - to Love Him, is to loose all hope.
Re: a comment on Gothic by zodiac	3-May-04/10:50 AM
I finally figured out the last line - still working on the rest.
Re: a comment on Call of the Marine by ggawrysi	3-May-04/6:23 AM
for the slain line something like "A guy could get killed out here." - inject a bit of personality (or even nothing?) Brain is fine, no?
Re: the beale street mud festival. by wilco	2-May-04/7:35 PM
"only sound" really is tough to pull off... Some nice images here.
Re: Call of the Marine by ggawrysi	2-May-04/7:31 PM
Not loving the brain/slain rhyme. The acrostic"ness" is extremely smooth however, so ju get a tenspot from me.
Re: a comment on All Alone by QuirkyWonder	2-May-04/7:12 PM
This poem (and apparently those poems you like) is second person. Third person would be "he", "she", "they", "[person's name]" First person was like your reply (above).
Re: vigilante park -- by Ross Robbins by achingwish	30-Apr-04/9:58 PM
lovely
Re: The Conqueror Worm by zodiac	30-Apr-04/11:44 AM
Simply the best thing you've ever fucking done. Brilliant. Absolutely Memorable. I'll take it to my grave and I am grateful that I have seen it before I go there.
Re: a comment on Its the same old static & flaccid striptease. by SupremeDreamer	28-Apr-04/6:57 AM
One time - oh man, this is so cool - on time, I found a syringe and I like ground it up, you know man, like melted the melty parts and like cut up the metal parts really really really small and i put it in a spoon and then like poured it out of the spoon cuz I really didn't know what to do with it once it was in the spoon, so anyway I had this black and shiney mix of the remains of this syringe I found and I was going to like, snort it but it seemed to shiney to do that so I though maybe, like - "hey, rub it on your gums, man" so I started doing that - but if wicked fucking started hurting alot so I stopped, and well I put the rest in a zip-lock baggie (yellow and blue make green) and now I keep the baggie in my locker except when I show it to my friends and tell them about the time I found a syringe.