Re: a comment on Another Dull Moment by Blindproject217	17-Mar-03/7:21 AM
after which, you can simply change the title to "man choking on own figurative vomit saved by beautiful woman"
Re: a comment on squeeze by kthulah	17-Mar-03/6:02 AM
the six stages of vamping are clear as we see nicely clarified here criticism to punt just haul out your cunt and crush it to a cervical smear
Re: a comment on squeeze by kthulah	17-Mar-03/5:48 AM
That's rather scary, god'swife. I'm fond of my walnuts. NOTE TO SELF: Stay the fuck away from god'swife's vagina, no matter how pretty her words are. Sirene!
Re: forgiveness by elizabethann	17-Mar-03/4:28 AM
I hope you will take this the right way. I want to make a comment that is tricky, because maybe this is based on real life and maybe the friend you forgave really did die. BUT...it has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the poem. It's like we're going along and you're setting us up for an emotional payoff and then the payoff is accidentally the last line from a completely different poem. It renders the preceding poem meaningless and absurd. You could fix this really easily, and keep the personal meaning for yourself, by saying something like "The day an enemy died" (that's a cheesy line, but I don't mean to write it for you just suggest a principle) Do you understand what I mean? The poem is about forgiveness, not death, irregardless of whether your friend in real life died.
Re: a comment on Triptych: Rural by lastobelus	17-Mar-03/3:10 AM
thanks z! I'm glad you made me throw away the original last line of 1. I found lots of goodies searching for a new one, images that will twirl in my head for a while.
Re: a comment on Blue Fuckin' Moon by lastobelus	17-Mar-03/2:16 AM
Please tell me more. I wrote this in two minutes from start to finish without even so much as an image in my head before I started, years ago, and though I've looked at it many times haven't changed it except to add an "a". I don't know where to start. Response to it read out loud is pretty good, all that syncopation, but it failed in print (on the street at least) and I always wondered why because for me it's one of my favourites. I'd love to make it work, if I had a clue how. Problem is it works so well for me inside my own head that I can't step outside and see where it's not working for the non-me reader. What jumps out to you as obvious influences, apart from the overall tone being charles B.-ish? I had always felt all the images were fairly original??
Re: a comment on Triptych: Rural by lastobelus	17-Mar-03/1:54 AM
That's because I'm madly in love with Rebecca Pigeon and have been for years.
Re: a comment on squeeze by kthulah	16-Mar-03/9:45 AM
private...would work much better than special IMHO to be honest, I agree with gw, the last part comes off greasy. Why don't you play with something along the lines of: my other mouth a [something] of flesh so do I get an invitation? --spoon in the coffee, stir with the cup-- (can't remember the exact saying) Are you from that part of Indonesia?
Re: a comment on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie	14-Mar-03/5:01 PM
really? unscapegoatable? christ's death wasn't good enough for that one, eh?
Re: a comment on Sympathetic Guilt by middenHeap	14-Mar-03/4:28 PM
Violence is for the daft, it's true my meaning should've been drafted new I tried, and failed so on the heap it sailed because I have no craft, like you
Re: a comment on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie	14-Mar-03/11:02 AM
dark angel sat on his toilet wond'ring "should I barbecue, bake it, or broil it? whichever I do, with this newly shat poo, I mustn't forget to tinfoil it!"
Re: a comment on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap	14-Mar-03/10:46 AM
thanks, I was inspired by z's mayan maid... http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=43830
Re: a comment on Lately by lastobelus	14-Mar-03/9:50 AM
It is tied in! Isn't it? Is that too subtle!? It's intended as the whole snarkiness of the poem, thumbing my nose at the existentialism I can't escape. I'd like to tighten up the language but I don't know how because I'm a lousy amateur and this is already me stretching about as far as I'm able to reach. Any suggestions? I thank you for the comments.
Re: a comment on van Gogh's Irises by lastobelus	14-Mar-03/9:42 AM
Thank you! The parenthetical comment has always bugged me, but I can't bring myself to take it out. The "some kind of" is there purely for slamming, you read it with a silent beat before "some", lean into the mike, and kick the line into the audience's teeth.
Re: a comment on Paranoia by lastobelus	14-Mar-03/9:26 AM
cummings was my first poet, first literary love. Still shows up in my Regurgitationalism from time to time. Paranoia's easy for me to capture, since I have it.
Re: a comment on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap	14-Mar-03/9:21 AM
thanks, "compiled cleverly" from you is a nice pat on the back because your own writing is so tight. the reason I reject this pome is because I didn't find anything real or raw. I was just playing with a rhyming dictionary, following the words.
Re: a comment on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap	14-Mar-03/9:12 AM
well, "When over the cradle she cooed" scans. Maybe even adds content because it creates ambiguity about which woman is cooing over which cradle. But regardless of how tight I get the meter and rhyme it's a lost cause because there's nothing real or raw in there. It was just a drill.
Re: a comment on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie	14-Mar-03/9:06 AM
Not believing in absoluteness of sin, I have no need for a scapegoat.
Re: a comment on sexy by elizabethann	14-Mar-03/7:05 AM
I can understand that. something like the way a boy needs toys to play with.
Re: sexy by elizabethann	14-Mar-03/7:03 AM
sorry, must limerick: Elizabethan elizabethann was recently told by her man to doll herself up (christ, what a schmuck) But she's not really sure that she can.