replying on Another Dull Moment by Blindproject217
17 Mar 2003, 7:21 AM
after which, you can simply change the title to "man choking on own figurative vomit saved by beautiful woman"
on forgiveness by elizabethann
17 Mar 2003, 4:28 AM
I hope you will take this the right way. I want to make a comment that is tricky, because maybe this is based on real life and maybe the friend you forgave really did die.
BUT...it has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the poem. It's like we're going along and you're setting us up for an emotional payoff and then the payoff is accidentally the last line from a completely different poem. It renders the preceding poem meaningless and absurd. You could fix this really easily, and keep the personal meaning for yourself, by saying something like "The day an enemy died" (that's a cheesy line, but I don't mean to write it for you just suggest a principle)
Do you understand what I mean? The poem is about forgiveness, not death, irregardless of whether your friend in real life died.
BUT...it has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the poem. It's like we're going along and you're setting us up for an emotional payoff and then the payoff is accidentally the last line from a completely different poem. It renders the preceding poem meaningless and absurd. You could fix this really easily, and keep the personal meaning for yourself, by saying something like "The day an enemy died" (that's a cheesy line, but I don't mean to write it for you just suggest a principle)
Do you understand what I mean? The poem is about forgiveness, not death, irregardless of whether your friend in real life died.
replying on Triptych: Rural by lastobelus
17 Mar 2003, 3:10 AM
thanks z! I'm glad you made me throw away the original last line of 1. I found lots of goodies searching for a new one, images that will twirl in my head for a while.
replying on Blue Fuckin' Moon by lastobelus
17 Mar 2003, 2:16 AM
Please tell me more. I wrote this in two minutes from start to finish without even so much as an image in my head before I started, years ago, and though I've looked at it many times haven't changed it except to add an "a". I don't know where to start.
Response to it read out loud is pretty good, all that syncopation, but it failed in print (on the street at least) and I always wondered why because for me it's one of my favourites. I'd love to make it work, if I had a clue how. Problem is it works so well for me inside my own head that I can't step outside and see where it's not working for the non-me reader.
What jumps out to you as obvious influences, apart from the overall tone being charles B.-ish? I had always felt all the images were fairly original??
Response to it read out loud is pretty good, all that syncopation, but it failed in print (on the street at least) and I always wondered why because for me it's one of my favourites. I'd love to make it work, if I had a clue how. Problem is it works so well for me inside my own head that I can't step outside and see where it's not working for the non-me reader.
What jumps out to you as obvious influences, apart from the overall tone being charles B.-ish? I had always felt all the images were fairly original??
replying on Triptych: Rural by lastobelus
17 Mar 2003, 1:54 AM
That's because I'm madly in love with Rebecca Pigeon and have been for years.
replying on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie
14 Mar 2003, 5:01 PM
really? unscapegoatable?
christ's death wasn't good enough for that one, eh?
christ's death wasn't good enough for that one, eh?
replying on Sympathetic Guilt by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 4:28 PM
Violence is for the daft, it's true
my meaning should've been drafted new
I tried, and failed
so on the heap it sailed
because I have no craft, like you
my meaning should've been drafted new
I tried, and failed
so on the heap it sailed
because I have no craft, like you
replying on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie
14 Mar 2003, 11:02 AM
dark angel sat on his toilet
wond'ring "should I barbecue, bake it, or broil it?
whichever I do,
with this newly shat poo,
I mustn't forget to tinfoil it!"
wond'ring "should I barbecue, bake it, or broil it?
whichever I do,
with this newly shat poo,
I mustn't forget to tinfoil it!"
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 10:46 AM
replying on Lately by lastobelus
14 Mar 2003, 9:50 AM
It is tied in! Isn't it? Is that too subtle!? It's intended as the whole snarkiness of the poem, thumbing my nose at the existentialism I can't escape.
I'd like to tighten up the language but I don't know how because I'm a lousy amateur and this is already me stretching about as far as I'm able to reach. Any suggestions?
I thank you for the comments.
I'd like to tighten up the language but I don't know how because I'm a lousy amateur and this is already me stretching about as far as I'm able to reach. Any suggestions?
I thank you for the comments.
replying on van Gogh's Irises by lastobelus
14 Mar 2003, 9:42 AM
Thank you! The parenthetical comment has always bugged me, but I can't bring myself to take it out. The "some kind of" is there purely for slamming, you read it with a silent beat before "some", lean into the mike, and kick the line into the audience's teeth.
replying on Paranoia by lastobelus
14 Mar 2003, 9:26 AM
cummings was my first poet, first literary love. Still shows up in my Regurgitationalism from time to time. Paranoia's easy for me to capture, since I have it.
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 9:21 AM
thanks, "compiled cleverly" from you is a nice pat on the back because your own writing is so tight.
the reason I reject this pome is because I didn't find anything real or raw. I was just playing with a rhyming dictionary, following the words.
the reason I reject this pome is because I didn't find anything real or raw. I was just playing with a rhyming dictionary, following the words.
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 9:12 AM
well, "When over the cradle she cooed" scans. Maybe even adds content because it creates ambiguity about which woman is cooing over which cradle.
But regardless of how tight I get the meter and rhyme it's a lost cause because there's nothing real or raw in there.
It was just a drill.
But regardless of how tight I get the meter and rhyme it's a lost cause because there's nothing real or raw in there.
It was just a drill.
replying on Assassin Nation by Blue Magpie
14 Mar 2003, 9:06 AM
Not believing in absoluteness of sin, I have no need for a scapegoat.
replying on sexy by elizabethann
14 Mar 2003, 7:05 AM
I can understand that. something like the way a boy needs toys to play with.
on sexy by elizabethann
14 Mar 2003, 7:03 AM
sorry, must limerick:
Elizabethan elizabethann
was recently told by her man
to doll herself up
(christ, what a schmuck)
But she's not really sure that she can.
Elizabethan elizabethann
was recently told by her man
to doll herself up
(christ, what a schmuck)
But she's not really sure that she can.
replying on All Meta-Verse Shall be Deleted, it is Poison by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 6:52 AM
I'm not sure I follow, a test of what? A test to see if people like it? You can like it if you want, I like it myself, I just have a rule that I don't waste too much time with reflexive poetry because it's a black hole I have trouble climbing out of. So it goes in my garbage can with a self-mocking title.
on A Vietnam Homecoming by scitz
14 Mar 2003, 6:10 AM
are you sure you didn't mean "to move forward / we must MOVE our behind" ???
replying on Maud, After the Death of her Daughter Lynn by middenHeap
14 Mar 2003, 4:00 AM
That's because you're so mean. You have to be nice if you want people to write you love poems.
But I wrote this one just for you, really I did. The third last line was supposed to be "Thinking of Dark Angel's splendid wood" but it didn't scan well enough. Sorrow, of course, being nought but a metaphor for your splendid wood.
But I wrote this one just for you, really I did. The third last line was supposed to be "Thinking of Dark Angel's splendid wood" but it didn't scan well enough. Sorrow, of course, being nought but a metaphor for your splendid wood.