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Triptych: Rural (Haiku) by lastobelus Fallowing
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crow rises, still black
boot into clod of turned earth
recoil, break, reload.
Racing the Train
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gunned under the bitch
hissing, face flat out ugly
with a brand new fear.
Family Reunion
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squalling bee-stung child.
Uncles lean on their cars, beer
takes away the sting.
Up the ladder:
UNTITLED
Down the ladder:
Midnight Dance
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6666665
Posted: March 16, 2003 3:03 PM PST; Last modified: February 7, 2004 3:53 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.1986713 Overall Rank: 4562 Comments:
[9]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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16-Mar-03/3:15 PM
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Reply
Choice cuts.
excellent ending line in 1. much more satisfying.
2 works better without the punctuation. good call. 3 has amused me.
thanks z! I'm glad you made me throw away the original last line of 1. I found lots of goodies searching for a new one, images that will twirl in my head for a while.
You swear fucking more than Mamet. the last one takes the cake. Can't say I am all that fond of the others. But what the fuck, eh.
That's because I'm madly in love with Rebecca Pigeon and have been for years.
The first two are great, the last not so great. It jars. How about "Uncles lean on cars; some beer / takes away..."? Is that any improvement? Do you see what I'm asking?
umm, wouldn't that kill the double meaning? the uncles are taking away sting too.
How about "their beer"? And another word for takes?
...uncles lean on cars, their beer
takes away the sting. -- might actually be better, in terms of the main meaning. Good edit. However, uncles leaning on THEIR cars is a very personal image for me -- the family reunions at my grandma's house with my father's 13 surviving siblings, their spouses, and a bazillion cousins. So ima gonna hafta leave this one the way she be. 258 view(s)
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