S3 + last line thank you for that -inspiring

You've improved a lot.

Very arty / eclectic. Very much in the vein of Master Jim Morrisson and I leave you a full purse of 10 sovereigns.

Interesting the way you use a word like exfoliated recurrently in the way it should be used, but also a word that has been adopted and misused by dastardly cosmetics companies. The whole structure works until you yield to a poetic verse in the 6th part which in my opinion undermines the lyric. Otherwise this is well written and your no one trick pony my friend. 8

On a onceover not much I can see wrong with it. The strongest part is: We saw only, that our friends feign
As shadows, that speaks volumes as does the wrap up.
The opening I think is the problem as it too much of a quote rather than an intro. Maybe something less lecturing.

However I see no reason other than it was slated only because even though its a grand poem its not representative or as consistent as all your others.

Just an inkling still 8 worthy

Excellent.

Up to we are equal in blackness is a poem in itself. It saddens me that your the one person who would never have one positive thing to say about any of my poems, not one.

I really liked this poem and you can say what you will of mine.

I would however repsectfully ask you to read my poem 'The Blooding' or 'The Grave' and tell me what you liked and what you didn't like.

Thank You

Antony

---------------9

Now then my boy stop your snivelling and be a man ! !

You've hardly given this a chance ! HAve you no patience?

You can't opt to run and hide behind another alter ego that will not help your poetry now will it my boy??

Now get yourself together, dust yourself down and try again, and again, and again !

You will earn the respect through dexterity and perserverance and your mustard is airtight and smooth so lets cut the mustard shall we and go through where your going wrong.

You seem like a nice chappie to me and I think you just need to stop this whining and post your poetry. Good Columbus ! We all have to start somewhere laddie, you will only aspire to be what you want to be if you keep plugging away at it.

Now go to your room and ponder on this.

I will not say goodye because I hate goodbye's there futile.

Lets see what your made of come on Joe, you can do it.

Short and to the point with a light punch of romance. I agree some use of metaphor would deliver a much needed nuance. The balance is there and its quite a sweet tale but the lewd title is out of contrast with the quite lovely story. One is miffed about the title and suggest you change it to someting more romantic. Think about how the moon looked that evening and avoid the obvious desription such as bright, did she have a certain look or a sensual smell about her? did she make the down on your arms stand up? Background must be achieved before the paint hits the canvas.

Other than that you do have promise and at the end of the day I liked the blighter.7

No I got it. What I don't get however is something that has bothered me for a while.

richa, I find it quite a shame that your not getting enough comments and I wish I could help you. I will start to read you more, you're a great writer who I think inspires a lot of poets on this site, also let it be said your a jolly nice fellow too.

By the way the poem is truly wonderful. 10

Got a little lost in the mid part but its a riot of languauge and imagery and your poems always seem to be adventurous yet accomplished.

One minor thing ; forest has one r.

Heres a fat number 8

This is trying to be too many things and loses itself due to inexplicit detail. Lose the brand names and the bracketed part at the end suggests to me even you are not confident that its message is clear. Add some clarity thats all one is saying.

Must dash I've dragged dog poo in the hallway and the cat seems to be eating it.

James !! (sorry I was meant to shout that)

Not sure about the Gaelic expreessions it deprived me of knowing the ending. I would stick to the same formula as the end of a poem is of utmost importance to understand and call me a vacuous poppinjay but I never.

The rhythm upto that point is dandy 7

reminds me of a Neil Young song and yes, you get the point across of how we're just a number, metric and disposable.

Lose the brackets you don't need them, leave that for the reader to decide. 7

Too much use of the word shit in stanza 3, otherwise its a grilled goose.

You have taken a startingly unoriginal theme and made a respectable effort to integrate some originality. 2nd line of S2 was good. 6

Beautifully written, it leaves me feeling ponderous yet calm and contented.

A joy to read and a captivating opening.10

What a great idea for a poem. This reminded me of a twisted version of the yuletide 'On the first day of Xmas my truelove said to me. Quite moving and funny, one of those reads that make one feel guilty. I can relate to the paternal ignorance here.

I'm loving your stuff of late.10

(No rows today Mr H) - Happy Birthday 9

Nice to see someone you can't fault. that must be hard ofr you having to admit that. I liked the directness of this poem though it was sweet.

Obsolete and utterly pointless, for someone who reveres themselves as a good writer this is about as memorable as a pot noodle.

An alternative title would be very much appreciated.

Onyx sky?