Free verse № 63630
The Last Day Of Christ
Flaxen locks purpled by thorns,
Yeast baptized in wine,
Laughing soldiers jab their pilumâs,
Into scorched feet bloodied by shackles.
Christâs hands cup his face like a challis,
Coveting eyes darker than rosary,
Holding on to himself,
As he falls from faith.
Christ devoured by treachery,
Drowned in consecration,
Consumed by Judas,
The intoxicated Eucharist.
The hammer blows,
Nails thrust,
The garish sacrament sighs.
Mulled wine blends with sweet dew,
On the coarse glades of Gethsemane.
A carpenter dying on wood,
Uttering his final words to the four winds,
As Judas belches from consumption,
He is forgiven,
Till he hangs,
Like a resurrection sunset.
10 comments
I really like your work and have much respect for your opinions. This piece is sharp and descriptive but did leave me with some questions (perhaps I look for more than you intend to reveal). In your eyes is the carpenter on the cross a mere mortal or God incarnate? Is Judas' suicide self-driven or the product God's wrath?
P.S. I want to thank you for your kind words, encouragement and well deserved kick in the ass. You were absolutely on the mark in advising me not to abandon this site. Thanks....Joe
Whether Jesus was a mortal or infinite is something I have pondered on for all my life and its open for question. The line in the poem 'as he falls from faith' endorses that uncertainty i have (and indeed Jesus may have had). Judas's suicide is poetic in that according to catholic faith God will not accept mortals who take their own lives but did he have a hand in his fate? did he cheat? The carpenter dying on wood is an irony that the creator is killed by his creation in both man and cross. Its all about irony and tainted faith.
Thank you for your comments my young fry.
'yeast baptized in wine' is a good idea, I think it says people feasting with bread and wine. There is no need for baptized though, the (red) wine of communion is sufficient to make the christ reference. Some of the bigger words seem to impede the flow, so it is best to have no redundancy.
I like 'a carpenter dying on wood' an interesting irony to point out
This is a 1st draft and there are some points bith you and Z have raised that I have to look in to .
Thanks to you Richa/Z
i agree that you don't need baptized--that was john's gig anyway. no apos. in pilums, please, and the spelling you were looking for is "chalice" not:
chal·lis - n. A soft, lightweight, usually printed fabric made of wool, cotton, or rayon.
i think you also meant 'covering' not coveting. christ was never a coveter.
i don't think that the 'consumed by judas' line is working.
the way you have the hammer blows is awkward. hammers strike blows, but only the wind and your favorite girlfriend actually 'blow'.
also, there were be no dew, at noon, the traditional hour of crucifixion.
carpentr dying on wood--very nice.
uttering his final words to the four winds--very pagan notion. did you mean it to be so? heaven and earth would be more of a christian reference.
judas belches from consumption? TB?
resurrection is generally associated with dawn, not sunset, and i think you will need to work this line a little harder to convince me that you meant the irony.
whew.
all in all, lots of good ideas that don't dive into cliche. just needs a tune up. no vote until then, pig.
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