<~>4 Sep 2003

all right pig. first, it's a good idea.

i agree that you don't need baptized--that was john's gig anyway. no apos. in pilums, please, and the spelling you were looking for is "chalice" not:

chal·lis - n. A soft, lightweight, usually printed fabric made of wool, cotton, or rayon.

i think you also meant 'covering' not coveting. christ was never a coveter.

i don't think that the 'consumed by judas' line is working.

the way you have the hammer blows is awkward. hammers strike blows, but only the wind and your favorite girlfriend actually 'blow'.

also, there were be no dew, at noon, the traditional hour of crucifixion.

carpentr dying on wood--very nice.

uttering his final words to the four winds--very pagan notion. did you mean it to be so? heaven and earth would be more of a christian reference.

judas belches from consumption? TB?

resurrection is generally associated with dawn, not sunset, and i think you will need to work this line a little harder to convince me that you meant the irony.

whew.

all in all, lots of good ideas that don't dive into cliche. just needs a tune up. no vote until then, pig.