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On waiting to pick up my daughter on Tuesday (Free verse) by poetandknowit I realize I will no longer look
at her the same,
although she still skips
from the school door,
now she can
dress on her own,
smile with different meanings,
brush her own hair.
Up the ladder:
To You
Down the ladder:
Fucking B by A sad syrupless Waffel
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.904762
Posted: September 14, 2002 6:44 PM PDT; Last modified: September 15, 2002 1:39 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.888489 Overall Rank: 1512 Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
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14-Sep-02/7:43 PM
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Reply
typo on line six bros"you", possibly your?. is better. no?.. hows the cold. hope a bit better. pray tell. my son starts preschool this monday. wow. time flys when you're going broke. smoke?k
Shouldn't there be a comma after <same>? Also <that> seems unnecessary.
she sounds cute can i take her out on a date? (spwan of god'swife)
I don't understand the "shape" of this poem. A slide? A method of distancing?
Ignoring the shape, I like the simplicity of statement. The rhythm is really strange, but it works.
what triggered you realizing that you will never look at her the same again, p&k?
103 degree temperature. It is a fragmentary relationship, from a mistake I made at 25, so I I am in constant struggle to find a balance and always seem to be left behind.
Good for you, p&k. My sons are 18 and 20 (I was married at 12...). Simple poetry can cut through all our modern noise and connect with the reader; I like the concrete shape.
you cannot be serious.
hey, is there anything better than a constant struggle where you are always left behind? where's your damn sense of adventure p&k? // reality check // i wonder how many people take the time to comprehend what they've read before they write back??
Trust me there is no adventure, writer of triangle poems, in having a daughter with someone you thought you would accept a miserable existence with only to come home one day and find the place empty. To my luck: Yes, but the leftovers...hmmm. Divorce processes and being left behind to develop odd relationships with uh! female babies alone is not necessarily my idea of a good trek. But such are the cards. Are you being creatively ambiguous or just factually vague? Shall I write you a love poem? It would make things easier between us.
Are you raising the babes solo?
how can you write me a love poem when you do not love me? unless you're that guy parked around the corner...no. i was being facetious, amazed at frass's density. i too have walked the primrose path of divorce, come home to that empty apartment, etc, but without a child to keep the tension in. so, i'm missing some fun with my clean break, i guess. (again, sarcasm). but, yes, if it would ease things between us, please do woo me with words. it might brighten my own miserable existence just a joule or two.
i thought i voted on this one all ready...ah well maybe deja view!? the work of a jew? my corked kangaroo...kill mr. magoo? but enough of that nonsense...you have a valid and well observed point..i know..just barely cuz my son jusat started pre-school...sorry to hear about the soup...i'll send you a smoother upswinged recipe next time...
wonderful. 8
Come on. You can do better than this. You have got us going and then suddenly it's finished. You express yourself so well and we want more. And in this poem less is definiotely not more..
You are right. It is a mere fragment written on the back of a credit card slip in the car. But you are correct and maybe at some point I will be ready to tackle the subject properly. thanks for the comment.
Dear Sir or should I call you by your abbreviation "PK"? Thank you for your response to my comment. You have a great talent. The problem for you is that those who have read your work, (I read about four in the Best File) notice when you are not giving your all. Have you a collection you can send me by e-mail? I am a new member of this circle. And yesterday I submitted three poems which I would be most grateful for you to have a peek at. One is written in the romping style of Hilaire Belloc - best to be recited probably - Tribute to A friend. The other two are Hattie and Party Mugging (Again). May not be your sort of thing but please have a look. Best wishes, Nicholas
This moved me PK, it made me feel for you watching her grow up from a child and realizing one day she'll be independent. Also I wanted to get something straight, what i meant by 'old school' was poets more experienced than myself whos been on this site longer, It wasnt meant as offensive, I'm here to learn off you, GW, Intrasit, Horus, Dark Angel,Tintagiles, your all muses of mine -take the compliment
oh and zzinnia too
first off, it's too ummm confessional.
Sweetheart, you obviously are mistaking autobiographical with confessional. Learn your terms before you make a supersonic ass out of yourself. I am sorry you cannot bear a bit of criticism. That is sad But, dear, your poem needs work. It will be good with a revision. Love and kisses, P&K.
This is good i think, makes you seem a lot more human in a way. How old is your daughter?
Nice to see someone you can't fault. that must be hard ofr you having to admit that. I liked the directness of this poem though it was sweet.
pig, what's your gripe with p&k?
My gripe with PAKI is the nature in which he criticizes. I am not offended by his dislike of my work because he is a minority in not liking it. Every comment he has made has been rather rude and when he gets a bad comment the jury is out, I think that is a tad unfair. Besides he has had one good comment from me, the boy thinks he is poetically blessed more than 99% of others on here.
I hope that answers your question.
okay, i agree he does come off as a pompous ass. he acts superior, but, er...well, his writing IS superior to "99% of others on here."
if only the boy knew humility. but then, we all need a fulcrum or two.
I disagree his writing is superior to 99% of people on here. I find his work boring, and unappealing. He can hardly support he is superior when his average weighted mark is quite low. We all get voted of the best list often but he's never up there to vote off. I really think he could do with a reality check and actually see the facts, that statistically he is the weakest link - goodbye PAKI.
(And that whole Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha thing makes me feel sorry for him, even his comments are boring).
pig, just because it's got the votes doesn't make it good. witness the "president" of my country.
lots of people vote, pig. votes can be bought. vote can be slung in spite. quite a few people here use their multiple id's to vote people down the list. i've done it. it all depends on who you piss off, and who likes their ass licked. i'm not trashing your writing or anyne else's, here. blooding is one of the best i've seen. but 15 of the top 20 don't deserve their slots, imho. and that includes 5 of my six. like likes like. worry about improving your writing, not about where you are in the list. when p&k was active, nobody could touch him. he pulled all his babbit poems--maybe that was before you were on board. those were beyond good.
I know votes are not a mercury of someones true talent and I think we unerstand each others points. It all boils down to this, Why is he hellbent on pissing off people? I loved my Father but he put me down all my life but he was old fashioned (there was a generation gap) I think PAKI enjoys being nasty and considering poetry is supposed to encapsulate and celebrate the human emotion he devours it with vitriol. I have had 5 e-mails from 3 people on this site who left because of him. I mean the man needs an attitude adjustment. If he needs to criticize thats great, couldn't agree more but its the WAY he does it and the consistency of downright rudeness.
I had a major altercation with horus8 over my poem Yellow Star we had 26 exchanges but we're friends and mutually respect each others styles. I love the boy for his ferocity and honesty because you can see passion and reasons why he disagrees or dislikes something. PAKI merely exists on this site to piss people off, everyone else on here thinks I'm okay at writing and a cheerful kind of chap except him. Anyway thanks for your comment and maybe I have failed to remain grown up about this, one should simply ignore him and as you say concentrate on my own work. Till we meet again. 238 view(s)
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