| Re: education by the_poetess |
2-Apr-05/2:07 AM |
|
|
 |
| Re: What I Exist For by Dovina |
2-Apr-05/2:13 AM |
As we all know I'm a sucker for decently written sappy. I love how the last verse says so much, in so few words.
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: Prayer For The Church by sliver |
2-Apr-05/10:32 PM |
I won't vote because I respect the church, but I'm used to better from you. MUCH BETTER.
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: Everything by RION12 |
2-Apr-05/11:07 PM |
You are boring me. V1L2 do you really mean to say, You are my weakness? I know I'm one to talk about cliches, but come one. Here is a rewrite just to give you Ideas.
You're my tourniquet
You're my medication
You make my head spin merry go round dizzy
You're everything I want
You make my devils turn to dust
You make the sky above sing a happy tune
You make this cage into a castle
You are everything I want
The trick to not boring someone to tears is keeping them interested in what you are saying. -4-
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: late night delirium by not_a_philosopher |
2-Apr-05/11:25 PM |
Spell Check, Please. Verse 1 Line 2. Reread that. Actually, on second thought, reread before you post. Thats what the whole page to review before submission is all about. So that you can take a quick reread and catch the obivious spelling mistakes, i.e. "talkijg".
Other than that, this is almost more of a blog post than a poem. Look me in the eye and tell me otherwise if I'm mistaken.
"it's nice to think to yourself
that either you know something wonderful
that all else have missed"
Minus the quotation marks, thats how those lines should be broke.
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: cacoon by whispern_smoke_wisp |
2-Apr-05/11:31 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: tumbleweed by crooked_smile |
2-Apr-05/11:46 PM |
"in the dust in my brain" please tell you you at least see the bad repetition?
I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7-
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: The High Hunt by horus8 |
2-Apr-05/11:52 PM |
This has classic written all over it(Damn you and your invisble ink).
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: another poem to a friend by that_funny_girl |
3-Apr-05/6:27 PM |
I hope he is reading. I really do. I had the misfortune of thinking you'd have improved and this was a rewrite. If your going to write, entertain the notion that anyone can read what you write(Not just your Aim Buddy).
I'm hate giving out zeros, because I know I'm not a big fan of recieving them, but not only is this an improperly tagged pimple, you actually call it a poem(Once in the title and then once again in the body). Let me ask you, what do you think a poem is? Random line breaks and the outpouring of every thought inside your head over one subject? The closest this got to being a poem was your talk of mask and shades, but it doesn't out weigh the rest of this bulk. Not to mention its poorly done.
*The Most Cliche Advice Ever*
Don't preach about your feelings
Paint them so that others can see them
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222 |
3-Apr-05/6:38 PM |
Line 3, some ....'s after just would probably make it work better(I didn't like how 3 flows to 4 really). Do something other than end 3 on just. I like how this aside sounds like something I could imagine myself saying to one of my buddies on a car ride home. -8-
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: Vietnam by the_poetess |
3-Apr-05/6:58 PM |
Vietnam and Fairies? Are you mad? -4-
Stick with the things within your sphere of knowledge and ability, until your better practiced in both. This looks like a failed attempt to explain your thoughts and feeling over something, you don't know enough about, in a form, you don't know enough about.
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| Re: A Taste of Rose by Richard |
3-Apr-05/7:01 PM |
|
Roses are done to death, but this is well written. -8-
|
|
|
|
| Re: that woman by i_am_the_popsicle |
3-Apr-05/7:02 PM |
"what will she do"
Other than that. Not Bad. -7-
|
|
|
|
| Re: Poem on a face by INTRANSIT |
3-Apr-05/7:05 PM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Apr-05/7:15 PM |
"I may never know."
After that line, if you lined up the first word with its corresponding line above, it would circle back and add a the nice effect of a half circle(as in something that has an ending in sight, but is only halfway towards its finish). -9-
|
|
|
|
| Re: Listless Nights by blindwriter |
4-Apr-05/12:15 AM |
I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say. Striking Visuals, but special effects should merely be highlights, not a movie in and of itself. -8- for stunning images.
<3 Jason
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
4-Apr-05/12:25 AM |
"A tiny rabbit chases a big, red fox,"
LOL. -10-
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mixtapes (or We Always End Where We Began) by philn |
7-Apr-05/1:24 AM |
|
The 1st stanza after side b, sucked. Other than that, I can't really place what I don't like about it. -6-
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Apr-05/1:28 AM |
"Tenderness in your touch, love in your eyes,
You are tranquil, wistful, and wise,
I want to dwell inside your mind, consume your every thought,"
-10-.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Mixed Messages by Miggy |
8-Apr-05/2:47 AM |
|
|
|
