| Re: When by OneFingerAnswer |
5-Sep-02/11:06 AM |
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nicely done. lovely morbidity. cool.
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| Re: moon rants by bluwiz |
16-Aug-02/7:11 AM |
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It is as full of potential as any I've seen. tighten the language (like cutting out superfluous words such as "just"--a poem never needs the word "just", and you've got a sure winner here. very fresh.
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| Re: Bloody cow by ==Doylum |
16-Aug-02/5:26 AM |
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as to the last comment--you owe reality nothing! aside from the fact that this poem is very weak, your last response tells me that you've restricted yourself in the world of reality--sacrifice that for the sake of the sounds in the poem. Giving an attitude to a valid critique will only serve to flaunt your amateur status and alienate you from the people who actually car about these types of things.
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| Re: School girls lovely school girls by ==Doylum |
16-Aug-02/5:22 AM |
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there are some disrupted rhythms here (such as "anywhere" in 2nd to last line),you've got a potentially good sounding poem, as long as you don't let your pervesrion cloud your craft. (and it is "memories")
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| Re: When I Sleep Alone by Jody Conn |
15-Aug-02/8:38 AM |
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I'm sire you meant "envelop"--unless you were planning to mail them somewhere :)
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| Re: haunting by abecedarian |
15-Aug-02/8:36 AM |
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decent words--perhaps you could toy with the line breaks to make it even better.
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| Re: The Cherub Bird's Love Song by RWAndersen |
15-Aug-02/8:30 AM |
trite, and not a freeform poem
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| Re: The Cherub Bird's Love Song by RWAndersen |
15-Aug-02/8:30 AM |
trite, and not a freeform poem
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| Re: So by Bazilla |
15-Aug-02/8:27 AM |
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| Re: #3 by mikejedw |
14-Aug-02/9:52 AM |
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| Re: #3 by mikejedw |
14-Aug-02/9:51 AM |
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| Re: #10 by mikejedw |
14-Aug-02/9:50 AM |
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| Re: Now by hoopoe |
14-Aug-02/9:48 AM |
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| Re: Fireflies by mikejedw |
14-Aug-02/9:38 AM |
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| Re: Smaller by Modulo |
14-Aug-02/9:33 AM |
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| Re: Clit by unknown |
14-Aug-02/9:32 AM |
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the title ruined this "poem", but the last line doomed it to be recognized as an obvious attempt at perverted silliness.
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| Re: High? Coo... by Modulo |
14-Aug-02/9:19 AM |
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I suggest getting rid of the title. it takes away from your poem, and (traditionally) haiku are untitled.
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| Re: Haiku by Cha no Onna |
14-Aug-02/9:16 AM |
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may work better as freeform--the images are nice.
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| Re: Birth by DevilTmptrss |
14-Aug-02/9:12 AM |
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traditional and sweet. nicely done.
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| Re: #7 by mikejedw |
14-Aug-02/9:09 AM |
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the only part I'd say doesn't fit is the word "inhaled"...
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