| Re: leaving by windlessbreez |
28-Oct-03/7:10 AM |
this is too generic, perhaps if you wrote something more creative a title would jump out at you (and the reader).
The style is pretty good/ readable in both your poems I think.
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| Re: The Right to Life by Retaliate |
28-Oct-03/7:15 AM |
Good, like the flow of the haikus.
They are haiku in spirit as well as syllable.
The argument in the last three verses loses discipline though.
None of those would stand up as a single haiku.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Oct-03/7:18 AM |
penumbrally?
I am in favour of rhyming unusual words but this is ridiculous.
like the idea of her look burning away the shadow
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| Re: comment-ary by nentwined |
28-Oct-03/7:23 AM |
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could be about poemranker
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-03/12:03 PM |
'the only thing I know how to do/ is keep on keeping on/ like a bird that flew/ tangled up in blue'
Bob Dylan.
At least your influences are getting better.
I think you should try write something that does not rhyme. See where it takes you.
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| Re: Love by EouSou |
29-Oct-03/12:07 PM |
'Making love to grow a child' is a rather interesting line, seems so unsentimental.
Then 'two peoples hearts grow twice the size' is unabashedly OTT romantic.
Two nice lines but somewhat at odds I think.
The bit about life a single moment is a bit trite, what comes before it does not convince.
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| Re: The Picture by Butterfly1120 |
29-Oct-03/12:10 PM |
Don't just say 'vivid dreams' 'memories flashing.
Tell!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-03/12:15 PM |
Yes nice flow, reads like a conversation.
Perhaps some of the lines need examining though,
like 'insanity looming close' how would you know?
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| Re: Tiddles Breathes his Last by scitz |
29-Oct-03/3:47 PM |
Tiddles breathes his last
and then pass-
es out
Cute poem everything a haiku should be I think
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| Re: Burn for Her by josiefiend |
30-Oct-03/3:19 PM |
the subject choice is not original; love fire/fire burns.
But nevertheless I think you writing has quite a lively voice, though somewhat archaic.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Oct-03/3:22 PM |
When I was a child, before I could use a keyboard, I used to replace song lyrics with funny alternatives (love/glove).
I sometimes wonder what I would have done had I known of poemranker and being able to type then.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Oct-03/6:23 AM |
Could be about twins seperated at birth, but meeting in later life.
Could be about two soul mates growing up apart, but destined to be together.
Could be the idea of physical growth versus growth in perception
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| Re: exploration of entirety by skaskowski |
31-Oct-03/6:32 AM |
I think the alliteration loses its power as it is overdone.
Stapled/disabled rhyme sounds a bit odd.
I like the second verse, and the third verse (although v3 took a few rereads).
Yep overall pretty good, lively.
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| Re: Small made Large by tadpole |
31-Oct-03/6:34 AM |
Some nice lines 'not even a clark' 'won't fill a cup'
Not sure the poem hangs together though, loose ended like a hydra.
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| Re: Thee of most shiny belt buckles by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
1-Nov-03/8:33 AM |
Love the way you lose all the discipline at the end and just blurt out what a twisted wizard he is.
Fine depiction of repression
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Nov-03/12:19 PM |
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Yes good, the only thing that sticks out as problematic is the use of the word 'aura' which I think lacks a certain precision.
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| Re: freewrite~1-10-10/11am by shadowaura |
2-Nov-03/5:30 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Nov-03/1:35 PM |
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| Re: Why...? by muffielouise |
9-Nov-03/11:14 AM |
Through not threw and snapped not snaped.
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Nov-03/11:18 AM |
Steers clear of any kind of analysis which is its weakness.
I like 'lies for love/ lies with him'
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