| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Mar-04/6:35 AM |
Like the sound, especially the last four lines. A couple of picks:-
Weakened ears? - Only if they have been exposed to loud music. Weakened in the context (morally weakened) does not really apply well to a physical organ.
Using the word bod in a syllable counted form makes me suspicious it is forced.
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| Re: Old Glory by Richard |
29-Mar-04/10:59 AM |
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'the wind of freedom'? - Presumably a wind that has been let out.
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| Re: Darkness Falls On Tenement Twelve by Mona Lisa |
30-Mar-04/6:33 AM |
First verse is very good, the rest falls apart a bit due to its reliance on abstractions, it also gets a bit self-absorbed.
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| Re: I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, 'Futility') by SupremeDreamer |
30-Mar-04/6:39 AM |
I rather like the refrain 'Where o where is my delusion of power/ that eludes me in this comic and dire hour'
Bits about disease spreading seed are a bit old hat.
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| Re: A Flower for Monet by Shuushin |
30-Mar-04/6:42 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Mar-04/6:48 AM |
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Re-read it, second first verse transition is ok. Would prefer surface of (the) sky though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Apr-04/4:52 AM |
Dissociative identity disorder I think. Often associated with those abused as a child.
The homosexual alter ego - probably how freud would have explained DID. Like on most things he would be wrong.
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| Re: Jesus-f-ingChrist I'm Sober by embersandenvelopes |
1-Apr-04/8:05 AM |
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Like how you got from sheep to where's my drink in one easy step.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Apr-04/8:08 AM |
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Blood does not puss, it bleeds. Also I do not think you should be ending a line with 'the', twice!
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| Re: Finest Hour by creedclay |
1-Apr-04/8:12 AM |
Nature could create a bird flying free. Only man could create the window.
A bit drawn out the sentiment here, you have five lines to say the bird has free will.
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| Re: hands by New Life Drug |
1-Apr-04/8:14 AM |
The repetition is a bit odd.
Like 'love with the right amount of personification' and pockets in hands'
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| Re: Mariana by wilco |
1-Apr-04/8:20 AM |
Some of the similes and metaphors, because they are not extended through the poeme, can be confusing.
Some interesting ones though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Apr-04/8:35 AM |
It reads well of course, but the first line is no good.
'a stay in your mountains' at best it is a crude euphemism.
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| Re: Astronomical by DeadtotheWorld |
1-Apr-04/8:38 AM |
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Could do with being shortened, would help to manage the rhythm.
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| Re: Twilight Affair by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
1-Apr-04/8:48 AM |
yes, the bridge line is the best, opera of obscenities is kind of disturbing.
You could always try writing a poeme that did not involve smoking a cigarette.
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| Re: Leaves, hope and dreams by aliena |
1-Apr-04/9:56 AM |
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The title reminds me of that panda gangsta book - eats shoots and leaves.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-Apr-04/9:48 AM |
Dear violetsuede
When you smear my poemes with -4s- and -5s- could you perhaps leave a comment, how else will any of us improve.
P.s. how much do you feel your own poeme to be worth.
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| Re: Are Gays From Uranus by scitz |
5-Apr-04/9:50 AM |
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I thought you were religious. It is hell dear boy, hell!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Apr-04/5:14 AM |
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I'm not sure surrounding words with -___- emphasises them. Rather it stops the poeme dead, as the reader attempts to figure out what you are doing.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Apr-04/1:36 PM |
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The images need to be tied into something. A central theme or themes. Good though, I can see the horus influence.
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