Re: a comment on Us Sinners by BrandonW	29-Jan-06/6:00 PM
Ha. That's awesome.
Re: a comment on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	29-Jan-06/5:50 PM
I like em dashes.
Re: a comment on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	29-Jan-06/5:43 PM
Christ--my comment's longer than your poem!
Re: Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy	29-Jan-06/5:42 PM
Pretty cool--the imagery is well done overall. I was confused about "father" though--until the end I though one of her "gleaming sons" was talking to you (in the role of surrogate). Nits: that first semi should be a colon ("One day a one man carnival and then:"). "Who's" should be "whose" (and "whose face as light glows" seems like a word is missing). What I really liked: "gleaming sons"; "flipflop march"; the stream-of-consciousness description/memory of the father's shoes; "You could have said, “Son run, run to the whores, run to your hand, run away from those sins of another man"; the "vapor apparition." What didn't work as well for me (for whatever that's worth): "permanent Santa Clause" (just seems like there must be a better way to say this); "size 11 souls" (think this is a typo--soles--but if not, it's a little too precious). This line: "dream wife who’s face . . . a screen of inner skull” has too many unconnected images--I like the comparison of blood running like lava, but it's not connected to anything else in the poem, and the rush of images--stained glass, lava, starlet on a screen--aren't connected to each other and don't connect to anything else, so it just seems like you were searching for the right analogy but didn't find it (maybe that's deliberate). "Soul mate" is a cliche, and "screen of inner skull" and "frontal lobe" just seems too--I don't know--hard, maybe, or sterile or something. Not sure I get "prophet" shoes. I like the fact that he blames the shoes, somehow, but I don't know if the buildup gets us there. I like the "stretch" intimation of growing, though. Nits and the rest aside, I DO like this a lot. Very imaginative w/good lines and a good story with a tight focus. Hee--I just read Ranger's comment, and isn't it funny how what doesn't work for one person completely works for another? Anyway--take this for what it's worth: one person's opinion. ;-D
Re: Frozen Branches by jmalone	29-Jan-06/5:19 PM
Good attempt! Maybe you shouldn't give it away in the title though. I like "desperate quests." (Because of explorers? That's how I took it.) "Abounding" should be banished from poetry, IMO. Maybe "adorning" or something instead (not that you're subject to my biases). "Notwithstanding" doesn't make sense to me here. I like the idea of acrostics, but sometimes writing to predefined rules can really result in something stilted. Still, fun in a puzzle-like way.
Re: midnight feast by pollywolly	29-Jan-06/5:13 PM
Nicely creepy atmospherics.
Re: a comment on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	29-Jan-06/5:07 PM
Yeah, I get that a lot. Actually, I haven't quite connected the end to the rest as well as I'd like, but it'll work itself out or not. Again, just a cat. (And me with pretensions of divinity.) Thanks for the read.
Re: a comment on How small, this sleeping tiger by ecargo	29-Jan-06/5:04 PM
It's intentionally very simple (most of my stuff is). Just a cat, a moment in time, a connection with time, that's it. Happy to check out PLB.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	28-Jan-06/2:51 PM
I think it needs more unity--your images just sort of come out of nowhere (e.g., tracks, the desert, etc.). Don't let the rhymes drive the poem. Also, sometimes a near rhyme will serve you better than a straight, simple rhyme (e.g., "gray I comprehend/One that makes your mind expend"--expend here needs something that it modifies, an object, for one thing, so why not use expands or something instead. Contrary to popular belief, there are no rhyme police.) The ending lines give you something to play with; get us there.
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	28-Jan-06/2:31 PM
Lots to like, Ranger. This may be the best thing you've posted. "Reflections of the moon, its ferris spin" is a terrific line. Some of the rhymes are distracting--seem the sort of thing you'd do in a first draft and maybe kill later. Re: Lorelei, maybe go with Lilith or some other biblical character instead (to play off Mary) or someone in a similar role in French myth/lit (since it's Paris)? Great energy to this.
Re: a comment on A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	27-Jan-06/1:56 PM
The poetry of scripture, sure. The rest? Not really.
Re: a comment on A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	27-Jan-06/11:11 AM
Anyway, I bet you read the Bible, so you're already reading poetry, right? "I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places . . ."
Re: a comment on Round 27 by Dovina	26-Jan-06/7:41 PM
Well, I took it for a reference to church naves and to "knaves."
Re: Round 27 by Dovina	26-Jan-06/11:55 AM
Double meaning of "naves" here is clever. What do you mean by a "paling of standard excuses" (it's the "erecting a paling" that's throwing me off)? I don't get the title.
Re: a comment on Tree of Life by ALChemy	25-Jan-06/7:52 PM
amanda_dcosta: there are birches with red leaves, apparently--I was seeing it through my own geographical filter (where birches with red leaves would be unusual). Does it matter that it's precise, correct? That's for you to decide. For me? Depends on context and purpose--I don't mind poetic license for point or purpose or even effect, but if I read something as literal (I do, too often), then I like it to be pretty accurate. OTOH, I've "leafed" trees in birds, so who am I to judge?
Re: a comment on Tree of Life by ALChemy	25-Jan-06/7:34 PM
No, I think I'm relieved. All those birds flew right over my poor pedantic, literal head and I thought I didn't see them.
Re: a comment on Glitterati by ecargo	25-Jan-06/7:13 PM
amanda_dcosta! The whole thing's pessimistic.
Re: a comment on Tree of Life by ALChemy	25-Jan-06/1:17 PM
haaa--whatta dope; see what happens when you (i.e., I) just respond all knee-jerk and whatnot? I've been spending a lot of time lately in these eastern woods; I sometimes forget there's a wider world out there. Still not getting it though. Birds (like cardinals--such winter birds too) seems much too literal. Is your title a clue? If not, maybe it should be.
Re: Tree of Life by ALChemy	25-Jan-06/12:03 PM
Ah, but birch leaves turn yellow in fall, not red. And you seldom see one alone (they like their own kind). Pedantic, sure. ;-D How 'bout a nice boxelder? No one ever writes about boxelders (except maybe Stephen Malkmus).
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	25-Jan-06/6:51 AM
Amanda D'Costa! You stick with the metaphor all the way through and obviously put time into the meter and rhyme scheme, and the story/voice is nice. Simple is good, but the endstopped rhymes are too basic (for me anyway). I like simple rhymes too, but if there isn't some interesting language/imagery for contrast, they usually fall flat. A good example is Frost's most famous, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"--the rhymes are simple as can be, as is the meter (both of which absolutely fit the poem), but the language is so lyrical and fresh and the images so strong and original that the simple rhymes become part of the poem's strength). Stretch a bit. You've obviously got the interest and willingness to think about what you write--now take it to the next step. Which poets do you like to read? What is it about their work that works for you? That's always a good place to start.