Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	25-Jan-06/6:36 AM
Almost there Joe. Consider losing some of the modifiers (neatly, old abandoned--why not just abandoned?--restful (not that restful if you're up listening to the trains), etc.. Why "inexplicably" makes its (no apos. for the possessive "its"). "feel life in the ground beneath you" is nice. Needs more buildup/connection to the nursery rhyme aspects--they seem to come out of nowhere.
Re: a comment on A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	24-Jan-06/1:48 PM
Didn't you just? It's much more fun to leave the question open and unanswered. (Don't assume much from my poems--I write in character a lot.) ;)
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	24-Jan-06/8:56 AM
The problem being . . . what, exactly? The workshop-y results? Why do you think journals are rejecting workshopped poems? Is it the sameness of voice, do you think? (Is there a sameness of voice? It seems to me as if there is, but I don't read a lot of poetry journals; most of what I read is in non-poetry-specific mags like The New Yorker and Yankee Mag, etc.--i.e., pubs w/ a history of, but not a focus on, poetry.) I don't mind longer, "nontrad" layouts or odd breaks if there's a purpose to it, but I think you're right that it's done more for "shock" value or "to be different" (though it's been done and done and done for ages now) than for any purposeful, thoughtful reasons.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	24-Jan-06/7:23 AM
I appreciated your suggestions! I don't play around with the layout nearly enough, and I changed a few things simply because the different layout made me realize some weaknesses. So don't take my reversal as any kind of slam on your suggestion. It helped me. A lot. And I'm grateful that you took the time to think about it.
Re: a comment on When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	24-Jan-06/7:01 AM
Bonus points for the Exorcist reference. ;) I liked your Jabberwockyish poem. Cool.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	23-Jan-06/7:11 PM
Starts off really clever and cute, with some nice alliteration and end-rhymes (garner, favor, harder), but those elements seem to get lost in the rest of it. The last six stanzas don't meet the promise of the first two (although the last stanza picks up the similar sounds again, in peace, sheep, please and I do note the fleas/bees/please rhyme, but they're too far apart; not saying you need to endstop the rhymes, but maybe work them a little closer somehow). I do like how you looked to other critters for comparison.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	23-Jan-06/7:05 PM
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray. Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit. "Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused. As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter): "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none-- And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	23-Jan-06/6:34 PM
I bet it was cathartic to write this, but it's more diary entry than poem, really. I don't mean that in a mean way. The cutting is a good place to start and a great, strong image--play around with that, maybe; try to make it a little more symbolic or indirect, instead of telling us everything straight out the way you do. You don't have to get fancy, but make it strong by centering it on something: I have this knife-- a way to live my life high from letting my blood pour out see? Your words, but it starts in the midst of it, and it'll take you further than just pouring your heart out as you would to a friend, you know? Of course, you may have just written it to feel better. :) But if you really want to learn to write poetry, Zodiac is right--read good poetry. Good luck.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	23-Jan-06/6:27 PM
Ummm--huh. I don't know--it reads to me like a series of punchlines unanchored by a joke. Interesting because it's so fucking weird, but I don't get a sense of the sense.
Re: a comment on Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	23-Jan-06/5:11 PM
Fuck is a hard word to match or overpower, true--not just the shock value (if it still has any), but in the very harshness of its sound. But if I used a synonym, or a euphemism, I think I'd lose the point that, between them, it is just an agreed-upon fuck, nothing more fluffy or meaningful or emotional (on his part) than that, despite the fact that she secretly craves more. But I'll think about what you said, and thanks for taking the time to comment. Btw--your stuff is good (lowball votes notwithstanding).
Re: Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	20-Jan-06/9:38 PM
Gah! Line breaks. Fucking line breaks.
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	20-Jan-06/2:21 PM
For me: "He wailed 'I los da die'." Made me laugh and laugh.
Re: a comment on Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	20-Jan-06/2:07 PM
Nice!
Re: Everything is Nothing by Donne With Life	20-Jan-06/8:25 AM
nada y pues nada . . . but deliver us from nada . . .
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	20-Jan-06/8:21 AM
IMPROVED--WITH AIDS (of course)!!! I bearded that Jesus with meat, Thinking later to have such a treat, but I left him untended and alas! He ascended! Now I’ve only got meat fit to beat. Next, I bearded his Christ with fried chicken, but some ‘ranker had soon thrust his dick in. After eating that stew of Godhead and spew With AIDs I was suddenly stricken! Then I tried bearding Jesus with fish— was God ever a tastier dish? Topped with some tartar, a succulent martyr! (Smelled like foul hell, but delish!)
Re: What is it about brothers? by Tara57	19-Jan-06/2:45 PM
Disagree that this is overwrought (well, some lines are, but for the most part I don't think it is)--the words are simple and the emotion strongly conveyed. Some problems with the ending--it starts to fall apart with all the fathersistermotherlovers and the repetition of "listen to me now," but the bulk of it is pretty well done. The Cain and Abel ref is a little too obvious (for my taste)--think it'd be better implied. The concrete homey details--sharing baths, etc., give the larger themes a face, which works nicely. Some editing would make it even better.
Re: a comment on What is it about brothers? by Tara57	19-Jan-06/2:38 PM
How Salingeresque. (JD, not Pierre. But you knew that.)
Re: a comment on Spinning, reeling by ecargo	19-Jan-06/2:32 PM
Hee--that obvious, huh? I'd cut the hair, but, dammit, it's my truest claim to beauty. ;)
Re: a comment on Spinning, reeling by ecargo	19-Jan-06/2:30 PM
Well, as my first commenter put it: " don't care at all about what you have to say . . .". Therein lies the problem. It was much more immediate when I first posted it back in '03 or whatever. Now we're all just tired. (I know I am.) But I did rewrite the ending and all, and I did tell myself that for every new one I wrote I could repost an old one so . . . there you go.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	18-Jan-06/12:55 PM
Sweet bearded Jesus! I've shat myself laughing. The finest of that fine AIDs tradition.