| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-03/1:58 PM |
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Any poem with "bougainvillea" in it is good for me. Way good.
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| Re: Nonentities by scitz |
20-Jun-03/2:43 AM |
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2nd line should have 7 for haiku? I heart line 1. 7
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| Re: Polyurethane by Fear of Garbage |
23-Jul-03/3:10 PM |
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"money, airbag, scrapbook" okay! I likey. Not sure of the "sick/sorry/sad"...seems like the slashes break it weirdly. 9
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Oct-03/3:07 PM |
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I like it that you spelled Michelangelo incorrectly - it adds to the whole nonconformist aura.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Mar-04/11:58 AM |
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Love the 4th stanza. Maybe in the in the 3rd stanza, omit "and" in "and the leaf and the litter."
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| Re: Beah Richards by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
22-Mar-04/12:04 PM |
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This is great - the 1st stanza has a little cliche-y sound to it with "moved mountains" and "great white hunter"...maybe use proper names of mountain..."moved an Everest" or something. Oh I don't know. I still like it. 9
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
13-Apr-04/1:50 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Apr-04/8:08 PM |
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Love how the last stanza rhymes without reason. Great. And the other stuff, too.
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| Re: The road to melancholy by INTRANSIT |
30-Apr-04/8:10 PM |
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Third stanza doesn't need to be there in my opinion. Love it anyway.
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| Re: Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians |
8-Jul-04/10:22 PM |
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Johnny can 21 jump street me anytime. nice.
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| Re: The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus |
28-Jul-04/12:06 AM |
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Intriguing and yessir, I like it. Kind of ambivalent about "you lost me at 'c'" - reminds me of Jerry Maguire unfortunately..."You had me at 'hello'"... Lose the 2 commas, the rest is gravy. 8.
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| Re: Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus |
28-Jul-04/12:08 AM |
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"Putty" doesn't need capitalization. Love "tank tops and yoga pants." Also, try it without the ellipese after the "Now"s.
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| Re: The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus |
28-Jul-04/12:10 AM |
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| Re: moving away by celticskatermatt1 |
14-Nov-04/7:26 PM |
who needs punctuation when the place has a face?
Maybe some nu-punk song lyrics.
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| Re: Dino's by RGSsparky |
14-Nov-04/7:29 PM |
Wanted:
Jingle writer for pizza place. Some experience preferred; will train. Must have no body hair. No freaks. 555-dino
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| Re: Dreams of Neverland: Invitation to Neverland by TLRufener |
8-Dec-04/11:10 PM |
I like this enough to spend a little time with nitpicking...
A few comments: (as I read it out loud):
Line 10: omit "the scent of" - better w/out it
Line 11: Just "cast", not "casted"
Paragraph break after line 14 ..."balcony."
Line 15: "Gazed in awe" is kind of cliche-y.
Line 18: He already gave you his hand a few lines back.
Line 27: "thought" instead of "though", ok...
Sorry to analyze too much ..guess I kind of like the fantastical aspect of this poem. Like I like the movie "Willow". Or "The Neverending Story." But not the "Neverending Story Part II." That may have sucked worse than "Grease 2" with Michelle Pfeiffer.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Dec-04/11:12 PM |
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Omigod I am an only child but now I think I might have a sister.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-Dec-04/11:18 PM |
OK now, I have to pipe in...
1st stanza is brilliant...
I want to help stanza 2 somehow...
with less words? More subtlety?
...but love the line about troglodytes...
also, please tell me, if anyone,
where "Tycross Zoo" is?
Danke schon.
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| Re: Dancing in Memories: Slipping Away In The House On The Hill by Stacy Stewart |
8-Dec-04/11:20 PM |
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A little confusing point-of view-wise but I am into it big time anyways?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Dec-04/12:47 AM |
I liked this enough to read it twice. Which is good, as I clearly have adult ADD.
Two suggestions:
1. The second "trying" from line 5 to 6 is redundant. More powerful once.
2. A few more line breaks would help break it up a bit and give it more punch.
Good effort. 7.9
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