on Fix it by Nanshe
8 Apr 2003, 6:17 AM
Um, how long to this point? If I may?
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2003, 7:22 PM
Not bad. Not bad 'tall. I'm no expert on sonnets, but I like to see people try them.
on some deleted poem
9 Apr 2003, 7:29 PM
I'm not sure what you were after here but it is an excellent lesson in detail. Thanks for sharing.
on Phalus by Bobjim the II
9 Apr 2003, 7:31 PM
Try starch.
on Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig
10 Apr 2003, 7:41 PM
do you feel a little better after writing this? I always feel better after something deep comes up.
wonderful.
Aint Z the best?
wonderful.
Aint Z the best?
on downtown bus by Bill Z Bub
10 Apr 2003, 7:44 PM
I like this sleeker version very much. If you're thinking of paring it more, I wouldn't.
on Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig
11 Apr 2003, 9:36 AM
Z is so much better at this type of product, especially this length. I'll print, think and return with some tools for you perhaps. I'm yet a guppy myself.
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2003, 9:46 AM
So many poets, it's easy to overlook something this good.
on Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome by Stephen Robins
11 Apr 2003, 9:58 AM
deathly accurate, I presume.
on You are not me by Mutant_X
11 Apr 2003, 10:10 AM
Sample of line 21: I am no longer chained to you at my wristwatch. Take it one line at a time. Reword them without telling words such as: love, hate, pain,lies. Try not to repeat yourself: lines three and seven say the same thing. Keep trying.
on Worshipping the Porclin God by Derge
11 Apr 2003, 10:27 AM
and people accuse me of posting thinly.
on Unmasking Wyverns by horus8
11 Apr 2003, 10:38 AM
Now that I know a little more, this smokes!!!!!
on Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig
11 Apr 2003, 12:45 PM
Ok bro, I'll try not to steer you wrong.
S-1 line 2 is unnecessary, see line 1.
(would) I be enlightened.
S-2 lines 5/6 repeat 3/4
LIne 8 work into the last stanza
lines 10 and 12 could merge, lose line 11
S-3 you could use "spitfires" to exclaim his response.
the other plane is missing an (r)
(I preferred Stukas, myself)
drop the (but(s)
A river waiting for a mudslide makes no sense (to me)
and I'm unsure about the russian doll(my naivete prob.)
Any way, hope that helps. Oh,also, All the thoughts are there, but they could stand some organizing.
Best I can do for a piece so powerful. b.o.l.
Rich
S-1 line 2 is unnecessary, see line 1.
(would) I be enlightened.
S-2 lines 5/6 repeat 3/4
LIne 8 work into the last stanza
lines 10 and 12 could merge, lose line 11
S-3 you could use "spitfires" to exclaim his response.
the other plane is missing an (r)
(I preferred Stukas, myself)
drop the (but(s)
A river waiting for a mudslide makes no sense (to me)
and I'm unsure about the russian doll(my naivete prob.)
Any way, hope that helps. Oh,also, All the thoughts are there, but they could stand some organizing.
Best I can do for a piece so powerful. b.o.l.
Rich
on A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again)
12 Apr 2003, 5:50 AM
Mght I ask of your time on my "mum". Seems I scared people with it, it is untouched.
Thank you,
Your friend, Rich
Thank you,
Your friend, Rich
on A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again)
12 Apr 2003, 5:52 AM
Oh and 8 . The start has great metaphors, then changes a little to telling later. thats all.
I'm beliver in voting because as a writer improves, he/she can watch the avg. of the poems climb, which gives a basis for improvement. in my opinion.
I'm beliver in voting because as a writer improves, he/she can watch the avg. of the poems climb, which gives a basis for improvement. in my opinion.
on Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger
20 Apr 2003, 3:33 PM
There's plenty of material here to take it to a sonnet.
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
on Hey! Shut up, and cut my grass. by horus8
20 Apr 2003, 3:40 PM
Thank Jesu for the almighty rant! To keep us all grouded.
on some deleted poem
20 Apr 2003, 3:41 PM
maybe not a poem. but still on cue.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2003, 6:49 AM
You should smack into the lamppost. And again make this iambic.( Iknow what a red herring it can be as I'm chasing it myself). :) Study Dark angels stuff, get a feel and work it. This is soo cool.....
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2003, 6:28 PM
Here here!!!!! no easy task, I'm sure.
My dad had a retirement party this weekend. geezers are funny.
My dad had a retirement party this weekend. geezers are funny.