| Re: Fix it by Nanshe |
8-Apr-03/6:17 AM |
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Um, how long to this point? If I may?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Apr-03/7:22 PM |
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Not bad. Not bad 'tall. I'm no expert on sonnets, but I like to see people try them.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Apr-03/7:29 PM |
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I'm not sure what you were after here but it is an excellent lesson in detail. Thanks for sharing.
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| Re: Phalus by Bobjim the II |
9-Apr-03/7:31 PM |
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
10-Apr-03/7:41 PM |
do you feel a little better after writing this? I always feel better after something deep comes up.
wonderful.
Aint Z the best?
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| Re: downtown bus by Bill Z Bub |
10-Apr-03/7:44 PM |
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I like this sleeker version very much. If you're thinking of paring it more, I wouldn't.
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
11-Apr-03/9:36 AM |
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Z is so much better at this type of product, especially this length. I'll print, think and return with some tools for you perhaps. I'm yet a guppy myself.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Apr-03/9:46 AM |
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So many poets, it's easy to overlook something this good.
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| Re: Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome by Stephen Robins |
11-Apr-03/9:58 AM |
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deathly accurate, I presume.
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| Re: You are not me by Mutant_X |
11-Apr-03/10:10 AM |
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Sample of line 21: I am no longer chained to you at my wristwatch. Take it one line at a time. Reword them without telling words such as: love, hate, pain,lies. Try not to repeat yourself: lines three and seven say the same thing. Keep trying.
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| Re: Worshipping the Porclin God by Derge |
11-Apr-03/10:27 AM |
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and people accuse me of posting thinly.
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| Re: Unmasking Wyverns by horus8 |
11-Apr-03/10:38 AM |
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Now that I know a little more, this smokes!!!!!
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| Re: Damaged By 'Weakness' by Mr Pig |
11-Apr-03/12:45 PM |
Ok bro, I'll try not to steer you wrong.
S-1 line 2 is unnecessary, see line 1.
(would) I be enlightened.
S-2 lines 5/6 repeat 3/4
LIne 8 work into the last stanza
lines 10 and 12 could merge, lose line 11
S-3 you could use "spitfires" to exclaim his response.
the other plane is missing an (r)
(I preferred Stukas, myself)
drop the (but(s)
A river waiting for a mudslide makes no sense (to me)
and I'm unsure about the russian doll(my naivete prob.)
Any way, hope that helps. Oh,also, All the thoughts are there, but they could stand some organizing.
Best I can do for a piece so powerful. b.o.l.
Rich
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
12-Apr-03/5:50 AM |
Mght I ask of your time on my "mum". Seems I scared people with it, it is untouched.
Thank you,
Your friend, Rich
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| Re: A prayer for my mum by Mr Pig (again) |
12-Apr-03/5:52 AM |
Oh and 8 . The start has great metaphors, then changes a little to telling later. thats all.
I'm beliver in voting because as a writer improves, he/she can watch the avg. of the poems climb, which gives a basis for improvement. in my opinion.
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| Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger |
20-Apr-03/3:33 PM |
There's plenty of material here to take it to a sonnet.
although that might contradict what others think of it now. I wish the better poets would give you help. You are deserving.8
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| Re: Hey! Shut up, and cut my grass. by horus8 |
20-Apr-03/3:40 PM |
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Thank Jesu for the almighty rant! To keep us all grouded.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
20-Apr-03/3:41 PM |
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maybe not a poem. but still on cue.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Apr-03/6:49 AM |
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You should smack into the lamppost. And again make this iambic.( Iknow what a red herring it can be as I'm chasing it myself). :) Study Dark angels stuff, get a feel and work it. This is soo cool.....
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Apr-03/6:28 PM |
Here here!!!!! no easy task, I'm sure.
My dad had a retirement party this weekend. geezers are funny.
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