| Re: I sat beside the night by Niphredil |
14-May-05/3:41 AM |
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I wrote this poem when I was in 8th or 9th grade. It's one of my favorites.
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| Re: Majdanek by Niphredil |
16-May-05/6:48 AM |
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This poem, as well as 'Shades', was written during a visit to the death camps in Poland. Majdanek made a particularly powerful impression on me, and I wrote those two poems following the visit.
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| Re: Shades by Niphredil |
16-May-05/6:50 AM |
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This poem was written after a visit to the extermination camp, Majdanek, in Poland.
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| Re: Zin/Enough/Things/Squeeze/Flow by gregsamsa222 |
16-May-05/10:18 AM |
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It touched me. I think it is a beautiful poem.
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| Re: Rapid Eye Movement by wilco |
2-Aug-05/4:28 AM |
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Lovely. I enjoyed your poem, it was a pleasure.
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| Re: War by zodiac |
3-Aug-05/7:11 AM |
Fascinating. But I admit I am confused; too many swirling motives here. Aside from the central bread theme, I'd be happy if you were to clarify
"the order of things: a dog, a made bed,
a centerpiece, those million, no, billion lives
saved for some use I can't imagine - to trip
my hands, maybe..."
Who are these billion lives? a country? a nation? just people? not even human? who saved them and why?
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| Re: Without my Glasses by Niphredil |
3-Oct-05/2:41 AM |
Heh. Where are you from, zodiac, anyway?
Dovina: the poem was written from my viewpoint, inside a dark room; the streetlight is outside and what I can see is the fuzzy light sifting through the window shade.
'streaks of white' - well, they wouldn't be seen as streaks if i had my glasses on :-)
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| Re: Escape by Heather Dee |
3-Oct-05/11:42 AM |
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Too many cliches for me, I'm afraid... sorry.
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| Re: No Aegis by wilco |
3-Oct-05/11:45 AM |
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I enjoyed reading your poem :-D it's intriguing. I think the third stanza could use a little work though.(perhaps clarification)?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Oct-05/11:49 AM |
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I feel that comparing him to an angel, a soldier and an artist in such close proximity causes loss of focus. I'd pick one and stick with it. Nice job!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Oct-05/11:21 AM |
last stanza - 'They may become all afraid of me'. Change to 'They might become afraid of me'.
Also, lines like
'But, my life, I already took'
'My worth, I just can no longer see'
sound forced and unnatural.
Nice idea; the title is good.
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| Re: Noble oboe now sings every next saturday evening by ALChemy |
11-Oct-05/11:29 AM |
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I liked it. Not for any particular turn of phrase but for the soft dreamlike quality I felt it evoked. But I would get rid of the 'Satellite' bit, not everything has to stay a pure train of thought...
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| Re: In the berth by INTRANSIT |
11-Oct-05/11:31 AM |
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sorry to repeat previous comments, but I loved it. ;-)
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| Re: In the berth by INTRANSIT |
11-Oct-05/11:32 AM |
(however, don't you think that "it's" should be changed to "its", as in
Or a freight train passes
singing its empty boxcar song;
?)
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| Re: Cycles In Circles - Shame by D P Robertson |
14-Oct-05/8:59 AM |
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Way too long with nothing to say! I got bored well before the halfway mark. I'm not really sure what you're getting at, and the cyclic composition seems forced to me. Sorry.
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| Re: Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot |
14-Oct-05/11:38 AM |
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Please, check your spelling and grammar. I've counted at least 10 problems that need to be fixed (and that's including words like don't and won't which should really be apostrophized).
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Oct-05/7:33 AM |
I feel hesitant in criticising a superb limerick which I added to my favorites list, but I think the meter is slightly off on the first two lines: how about,
Love might be served à la carte,
Take just what you want, part by part
I wanted to give her
My bladder or liver
But she only wanted my heart.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Oct-05/7:36 AM |
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Urg, way too cliched, way too kitschy, it reads like drinking a large cup of syrup. Sorry.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Oct-05/10:34 AM |
Wow. Too much alliteration, Demonik, it sorta rings like a tongue twister.
'Repressing, renouncing, rewriting religion' can pass, I think, but
'Guiling governments guilty of gluttony and greed'
is definitely overdoing it.
The last line is better... maybe the poem should be entitled 'The Puppetmaster'?
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| Re: Itâs getting dark by Prince of Void |
15-Oct-05/4:42 PM |
I really don't know what you are trying to say in this poem, sorry.
On a more practical note - I find the 'But' at the beginning quite awkward.
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