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War (Sonnet) by zodiac Sensible in most things, Girlie buys
those packs of yeast whenever she shops. She has
certain assumptions when it comes to - oh
what would you call it? - husbandry, I guess,
the order of things: a dog, a made bed,
a centerpiece, those million, no, billion lives
saved for some use I can't imagine - to trip
my hands, maybe, while looking among stacked bins
of flour, soda and sugar for - I forget
just what - for something edible, then. Or say
for one great final baking-day. Or say
we keep our peaces, the kitchen of our love
as fertile and earth-pungent as new graves,
as a bombed field. And yet we have no bread.
Up the ladder:
Hugh Heffner's Halloween party
Down the ladder:
Rewrite
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.2
Posted: August 3, 2005 5:05 AM PDT; Last modified: August 3, 2005 5:51 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.6 Overall Rank: 608 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
Lives saved for some use which you can't understand and despise as useless. Why call her Girlie, as if she has only flippant wants?
I think she does. But I also like it as a way of referring to unthinking hawks going for some new purposeless war before they've finished the last one (or ones).
Maybe a less general title could help wheel it all in? *7*
The title is strategically bland and I love the broken sentence structure. Always a fan of form. *10*
Upon the first reading, it kinda reminded me of the first part of the animated british film "When the Wind Blows" An older couple with a humdrum life and then the omen of war and certain death. I didn't pick up on much of the symbolism. Maybe if you used "The" Yeast it might be deciphered as "The East" which might then lead to the idea that Girlie is from the west. I don't think anyone will recognize Bush as Girlie but they might see the U.S. as Girlie. "Peaces" slips buy as "Peices" on first read. So the last verse kind of comes out of left field after all that domestic talk. So Maybe some slightly less abrasive words than "pungent, graves and bombed". Maybe "as fertile and pungent as mud-pies,
as a scorched earth. And yet we have no bread."? I'd prefer Peace over "peaces" only because it's a plural pitted up against a singular. Or maybe just place a period after peaces. The broken sentences make a cryptic poem even more cryptic. Your choice of symbolism and how you set the mood is great there just needs to be some more clues.
I knew it was about your wife...good wives like to keep alot of one or two things just incase there is a bread shortage...yeast being one of them lol...you made me look in my cupboards to see what I have ALOT of lol...looks like its jello and macaroni..I love this poem...
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"the order of things: a dog, a made bed,
a centerpiece, those million, no, billion lives
saved for some use I can't imagine - to trip
my hands, maybe..."
Who are these billion lives? a country? a nation? just people? not even human? who saved them and why?
She saves them on a top cabinet shelf, I guess. Because she fancies herself the kind of wife who bakes - I'm not sure; she's not a real person. My wife does buy and save more yeast packets than she'll ever use (I thought everyone did), but the person I was really thinking of was George Bush. Discuss.