| Re: part by Adriaan |
2-Mar-06/5:12 AM |
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Acid drops are an old-fashioned kind of candy.
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| Re: a comment on beauty by Adriaan |
28-Feb-06/3:26 AM |
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Thanks for the comment. This poem refers to the foibles of humanity, and thus I have categorised it as a senryu. It is a bit of a borderline case though, and could well be called a haiku.
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| Re: a comment on Recognition by nentwined |
27-Feb-06/7:22 AM |
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Thanks for getting Senryu set up as a category. It makes my inner pedant happy!
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| Re: a comment on Recognition by nentwined |
15-Feb-06/10:54 PM |
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| Re: Recognition by nentwined |
15-Feb-06/8:22 AM |
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I like it. We need a senryu categoty.
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| Re: Rhythm of the rain by sanity |
15-Feb-06/8:16 AM |
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Good, but somehow the last stanza breaks it.
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| Re: a comment on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
15-Feb-06/8:05 AM |
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I agree. I am not entirely happy with the second line, in particular the word 'but'.
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| Re: a comment on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
15-Feb-06/8:03 AM |
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Thanks for the comparison :) I am still leery of the word 'but' - it seems that I could use the sylabble to better effect. Any thoughts?
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| Re: a comment on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
15-Feb-06/1:06 AM |
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Thanks for your comment... it was meant to be 3-5-3 haiku. There is a debate in the haiku world about 5-7-5 (true to the sylabic count of Japanses haiku) vs. 3-5-3 (supposedly truer to the informational content of Japanese haiku). I thought I'd try the more restrictive form. Please comment on the change - I added an adjective :)
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
7-Feb-06/12:03 AM |
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
7-Feb-06/12:03 AM |
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I do pronounce it as 'ripp/ling' - the wonders of a South African accent :) I originally used 'ripple' in this version, but I felt that it was a bit stilted. What's you opinion?
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| Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
6-Feb-06/12:36 PM |
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I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.
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| Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
6-Feb-06/12:34 PM |
Hi Ranger,
I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary.
I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me.
Thanks,
Adriaan
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
6-Feb-06/9:26 AM |
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Does similie count for anything? I've changed the opening line to a metaphor - please comment.
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
6-Feb-06/9:18 AM |
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Thanks. Please see the revised version and comment.
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| Re: Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman |
6-Feb-06/7:32 AM |
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OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
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| Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick |
6-Feb-06/7:18 AM |
I love the ebb and flow of this poem!
'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
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| Re: a comment on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan |
6-Feb-06/7:13 AM |
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"We are like" - this is the part that says something interesting. Just as the goldfish do not see the origin of the raindrop, so we do not see the origin of events, only the ripples that they cause.
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| Re: a comment on stamp by Adriaan |
18-Mar-05/4:47 AM |
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Thanks for your comment. My intent was to convey the sense of numb loss that I was feeling when I wrote this, hence the somewhat flat last line. The experience was like a pulled tooth, where the pain of the extraction is a memory, but it still feels wrong when your tounge flicks past the gap.
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| Re: la petite mort by poetekzen |
13-May-02/2:07 AM |
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This made me smile and think of Saturday night. I appreciate the images you use to express intimacy.
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