| Re: This Is The Sound of My Heart Breaking by Owner of the Sky |
10-May-02/5:26 AM |
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Very evocative. I find the last line, and to some extent the penultimate line destroy the mood that the poem has build up. I think it would be better without them.
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| Re: la petite mort by poetekzen |
13-May-02/2:07 AM |
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This made me smile and think of Saturday night. I appreciate the images you use to express intimacy.
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| Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick |
6-Feb-06/7:18 AM |
I love the ebb and flow of this poem!
'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
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| Re: Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman |
6-Feb-06/7:32 AM |
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OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
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| Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
6-Feb-06/12:34 PM |
Hi Ranger,
I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary.
I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me.
Thanks,
Adriaan
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| Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger |
6-Feb-06/12:36 PM |
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I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.
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| Re: Rhythm of the rain by sanity |
15-Feb-06/8:16 AM |
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Good, but somehow the last stanza breaks it.
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| Re: Recognition by nentwined |
15-Feb-06/8:22 AM |
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I like it. We need a senryu categoty.
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| Re: part by Adriaan |
2-Mar-06/5:12 AM |
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Acid drops are an old-fashioned kind of candy.
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