| Re: i hung that page to dry by FreeFormFixation |
25-Oct-05/7:28 AM |
speak for the spoken silence - maybe leave out spoken.
fall to the floor as ash - maybe leave out fall.
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| Re: dialect by skaskowski |
25-Oct-05/7:33 AM |
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Like a bad dream. But the next to last verse suggests God. That's a good verse.
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| Re: when i make sculpture by ay deee |
25-Oct-05/5:37 PM |
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The last verse is a disappointment after that good build-up.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Oct-05/5:41 PM |
Sensuous, some good lines. "pulls the strings" -> pull.
What's that stuff at the bottom?
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| Re: Tough Love by Crann Mascher |
27-Oct-05/8:16 PM |
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Great. But unless she has Size 12 feet, try 6" heels. And we don't need the opening remark.
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| Re: Alert me by T. Jonathron Remp |
27-Oct-05/8:19 PM |
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| Re: Remember me she said by Caducus |
27-Oct-05/8:30 PM |
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Very tender, especially the "honest baby" lines.
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| Re: An Allegory to No One by MacFrantic |
28-Oct-05/9:33 AM |
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How can you reveal this? And suburban conopy doesn't work for me. "Loud foreign things" does.
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| Re: Poetry is where you find it by INTRANSIT |
28-Oct-05/6:21 PM |
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Aren't you too old for this. Cutting paper dolls can at least be dignified with the name, origami. Thrusting the belly forward to music of The Rubber Band does have an unknotting.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-05/11:29 AM |
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I think you've worked this thing to diminishing returns, like the Concord.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Oct-05/11:44 AM |
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Great. "awoke" in line 1.
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| Re: brave new world still a bit timid by FreeFormFixation |
29-Oct-05/11:52 AM |
"freely" should be a noun form, I think.
"we'd" seems grammetically bad. Maybe "we"
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| Re: island nation by skaskowski |
29-Oct-05/12:07 PM |
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The metaphor works pretty well until the last two lines.
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| Re: Stolen Innocence by TLRufener |
30-Oct-05/5:49 PM |
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Yeah I believe it can happen that way. I'd prefer less redundancy and more clever lines, but you've caught glympse of a path I might have taken, but for fortune.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Oct-05/7:53 AM |
Seems that "if" V2, L3 should logically be "because"
"after once" seems too quirky, maybe "others"
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Nov-05/12:51 PM |
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It begins with an unfounded declaration, then in "But maybe," adds possibile outcomes based on the opening declaration. To me, it would be much more compelling if support were given first, or at least if the word "if" were added at the opening.
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| Re: solving the world's problems through poetry by skaskowski |
3-Nov-05/12:57 PM |
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Funny, and true to the title.
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| Re: A Joining Of Souls (edit) by Caducus |
3-Nov-05/5:13 PM |
Knives remind - verse 2
I'd omit beautiful - last verse
otherwise beautiful
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| Re: The Old Boat by Damon Mower |
4-Nov-05/11:14 AM |
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I like the inhaling estuary. The heron seems parenthetic; do I miss a connection?
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| Re: The Bed I Made by BrandonW |
4-Nov-05/11:19 AM |
Seems the ? should be at the end of Verse 1.
Good as a lyric, but I think a repeating chorus would be good, something like the last verse.
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