Plaidypus
on Sugar by celticskatermatt1
17 May 2005, 6:38 PM
LOL this made my day.
I don't know about you, but....I don't rape my brothers, or my sisters. And I also don't use white powder or brown nicotine. And I don't despise those who seek to be different either...man's only enemy IS himself. Well done. We have no natural predators left, so obviously, the only thing that can kill a person, generally, is another person.
It needs courage to take Carroll's story a step further. And here's the problem: you didn't. Your version turns a disturbing dream into a rather vulgar nightmare and in the process misses out on the fine-tuned philosophical jokes and nonsensicals of the original. This poem's like one of those MAD-parodies on movies but without the tong-in-cheekness. (And the MAD-parodies weren't subtile to begin with) So the poem has very little to do with Alice in Wonderland.
This could work, I think, if you strip (no, not that) Alice from her innocence and let all inhabitants of Wonderland stay the way as Carroll created them.
Let HER confuse/terrorize THEM.
The AABB rhyme has a disastrous effect on story & mood but if you really insist on this sequence, at least chop up the verse into eight stanza's.
Watching a few good slasher movies could also improve on your poetic imagination. 'I scream with all my might', but the poem's tone is hardly more than a mumble.
Dovina, thank you for your enlightening comment. I wrote this poem one afternoon picturing one of the many scenes left after very destructive and rampant bush fires. When I read it, it appeared to lack just a little something but I wasn't too sure. I am now and rather like the sample that you have so kindly left. I hope you don't mind, but I was hoping you would please consider the following:
Risks always presented
By natures hand or not
Catches you off guard
Surprises never far
I would not use the Old English "thee" unless you use that language all the way through.
"Causes a skip of the heart" should be "Cause . . "
"The astounding things surround" should probably be "surrounding"
Hello again Dovina. Thanks for reading once again. I'm sorry to hear that you didn't quite enjoy this poem and I am concerned that there are grammatical errors. Would you possibly share these with me so that I can improve this write? I appreciate all comments and feel that good constructive criticism is very helpful.
Hi Dovina, thank you for the welcome and for reading my poem. I have edited this poem to fit your very welcome comments and unfortunately had to loose your vote. I appreciate the input that you have provided, and yes, you to he does sound a bit odd. I hope that the changes have improved it. In regards to a title, what would you recommend? The title is latin for leopard, but it could be something else. Thanks again for reading.
Not as good as your first. I counted three grammatical errors.
I'd give it a more reader-friendly title.
First verse is good.
Third verse: Use immense or huge, but not both. Slinks should be slink to go with "you."
In the fourth verse you change from "you" to "he" Why?
I think you shouldn't.
Welcome to poemranker.
Although the ending implies what you really learned through the experience, I think a more compelling comparison could be made.
"private" as opposed to school-sponsored.
"calked" as in glued into place with calking.
What, may I ask, birthed the Idea for this poem?
I am not the giver of the anal retentive 5.
OREGANO!!!
But are you Rothian or, Hagarian?
Youâve done nothing wrong. I had not thought of it that way, but itâs a possibility.