Dovina
on Last Night by Roisin
27 May 2005, 5:02 PM
This is really good. I'm with you all the way. The start of verse 3 is weak.
'wish you'd done more with it' is an euphemism for 'what the hell she's talking about'. If the first two words are deleted, comma's will be needed in mid-sentence.
I feel really sad you got no response on this other than mine. I have an ace response in mind, waiting for time and inclination.
Title is great; wish you'd done more with it. Leave out "It is".
Yes, this is how a politician would do a poem. With hollow words, but lots of them.
Anyway, grammar has everything to do with writing what you feel.
For another example, you don't even know what you think and communicate like a fucking cerebral-palsied, you fucking moron
Class!
Of course it was!
I'll remember this quite nasty LSD trip for the rolled up feet.
In the several days youâve been wandering in the wilderness, as the scorched desert used to be called, like some 40-day fast, Iâve missed these convoluted questions, worded not so much to draw answers as to aggravate some angst.
1) Let -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I. answer.
2) Anybody can interpret anything he/she wants. If I want to liken the crap-filled raven in someoneâs poem to a preacher and take off with it, I shall.
Right
5
five
thats it
I'm still laughing about the name lintyweenis!
ok ok sorry. Happiness is a warm something.
thats it.
It's Summer time love.
What if, indeed.
Well, can't say I was ever a fan of the whole "let's right a song about Jesus" thing, but I guess I can't down you for that alone.
<< All the pain only relative,
An evaporation from the mind condenses on her body.
...
To her closed cycle of hurt >>
That 6th line is a true gem. But I feel there is a contradiction between the 5th and the last line. Care to explain, Roisin?
The most minimalist poem in the world. (except for the one that goes 'I am'). Excellent.
The awful thing is, this is such a pile of platitudes that I simply do not believe you are converted. There is absolutely no spark of true believe. What I see here is a brainwashed person.
You can mock mother nature all you want, but you will never be able to filter out a certain sense of wonder. The poem would have been great (after changes according to Dovina's advices) if it had contained both feelings. It's in the last two lines perhaps, but not powerful enough.