T. Jonathron Remp
on My Golden Birthday by jessicazee
22 Jul 2005, 1:04 PM
I long for the days when areas of study were indivisible from their classroms, so that one could truly be "in Science."
"I liked your poem!"
The Home Depot: You can do it, We can help TM
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on Victoria Applesmack and the Easy to Clean Wonder-Spleen by T. Jonathron Remp
22 Jul 2005, 10:42 AM
Thank you! Yeah, the title gives it away
amazing work ALChemy. 8
yeah that didn't work
two dr
i
p
p
ing thumbs up! -10-
Sorry to say this, but I think its boring. It flows nicely etc, but the content is the same drivel I've heard a thousand times before. Perhaps look at the subject from a different angle.
A good story, needing less story and more poetry, or else just tell it as a story.
'desaturated' may not be the right word.
'I was' in verse 3 can go.
(That image burned into my heart)- Best, I think, to show how you feel rather than tell us.
"then promoted and monied he runs a team" is clearer, might do that.
The 'damn' is shakey, I know.
I never thought of it as being about God, but in a way it works if you think of it as man created in God's image as creator.
Thanks for the comment.
Awesome in the way the World Trade Center was, or the Golden Gate Bridge is. How do you mean - another go? More detail?
Could be, but then it would end up a drinking man's crying song. Somehow, we have enough of those.
I mean it in terms of the imagery and the structure. You have a good flow in the first 2 verses, easily to follow and relate to. Than you try to get the reader into a stick, bucked, etc., and the image is not as vivid and easy flowing as the first. Not that it couldn't be, because the theme is good. It's just not as smooth.
It's not that I consider his statement wise. I used it a different way than he did, and thought doing so was entirely cute.
Thank you Nuit.
I am glad you enjoyed it.
BWC it's cool if you don't wan't to vote.
but is it a good tired or bad tired?
Sorry for that,but love is not only the expression about love,ah
there are many other expression inculed in it.like.sadness,and I
have just wrote one of the expression of it.thank you for your ah
comment.take care.
bulgingly cack
Maybe change engineer to architech. Also you say he works alone and he runs a team. You might want to say "then promoted and monied he runs a team" or maybe change the first line to something like "Alone at the top". Change "damn" in the last line and the Jimmy Buffet fans will leave you alone. Fix this poem but don't ever throw it out because if one imagines the "ace egineer" as possibly being god or the bible or even Adam then the poem takes on a whole new profound meaning.
A raw, uncompromising, indignant, vital, terrifying, brutally honest literary collage of everyday life in the urban skate scene with massively fat cheeks, sunken eyes, and an unbelievably appalling forehead. Nice one.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Victoria Applesmack and the Easy to Clean Wonder-Spleen by T. Jonathron Remp
21 Jul 2005, 5:09 PM
This poeme exudes excellence, though the title is a little too 'self-consciously zany' for my tastes. -10-