Thanks. I couldn't get to fancy with the poetry for fear of overshadowing the story's validity. Which by the way it is all true. "Desaturated" was used in the sense of color desturation. Less vivid like diluted paint. Just trust me desaturated works. You're probably right about "I was" in verse 3. I don't really think "(That image burned into my heart)" tells you how I feel so much as tells you that I can't forget it. That image could be in my heart because I felt sad or horrified or confused or all the above. You touched on a lot of issues I had myself about this poem. Mainly I wanted to just get the story and the message out there and this was what I came up with. Once again thank you Dovina. You made some excellent points.

Don't be so down on yourself, I'm sure that you are more than the effect of belief.

I'm pleased with your response. What is a Denken Weizen anyway?

To be worth as much as a camel is a position I envy. It is giving, isn't it, that counts and that makes happy. If I live to give happiness, is not that the greatest worth?

It's the POV that's differnt. In the case of my poem, I know that he knows, and that he realizes he could only do good engineering under the umbrella of the Company, and incidently with the sexual stimulus of a certain draftswomen. My knowing that is what makes it so much like breasts against his hairy chest. Doesn't that ring with a major difference for you, or is it all about the bridges and stuff like that in your world?

I don't see how yours is different at all. Jimmy Buffet thinks it's a woman's fault but knows it's really his. Your character thinks it's a woman's fault but knows it's really his. What gives?

it's word choices like fallible remorse that are your weakness. I chose those two words, but there are many more that you just seem to put together without any real thought as to what it will do to your poetry. it just seems like you are in love with a vocabulary that is just out of your reach. I understand some of this poem. By that i mean some images come to mind, but why in the name of Gary do you not try to simplify, pare down, and beat some meter into your work. You really and truly could do this better with half the words. I read my own poetry. I know it's not very good. So, take what i say any way you'd like. BUT all your work is the same; too wordy by far. It's just not necessary. you are only cannibalized by insatiably hungry demons if you ARE a demon. are you a demon? cuz it would all make sense to me if you were.

Thanx!

THANK YOU,we all have our likes and dislike.thanks for your frank comment.