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The sunset sea. (Free verse) by darby pyn
A still night below the aurora borealis grasping at texture in the pavement cracks. I feel the abscess inside growing. something is wrong. falling faces console in echo I can feel the reverberation sink through my skin and shake my bones. each slap bends the moment and I drool acknowledgment and slur my fallible remorse. transcending my worst expectations beyond any social intercourse imagined. it’s so cold. my head laying upon her closed knees. I whisper sorry. she stares down. her eyes are a beautiful green with a touch of yellow to illuminate the jade mist. they are my only connection. slowly my descent pulls me further away. I deny to myself the gravity of my condition but I do know it’s severity. I am finally cannibalized by my demons and their hunger is insatiable. now is their harvest moon. time to yield this rotten fruit and burn the orchard down to ash. muffled sirens in the distance, frantic motion all around the perimeter of my motionless body. opaque dim lights in my eyes. it’s a flashlight. I can’t hear you! I reply to his moving lips and muted voice. it’s gett ing co ld er. I am strapped, covered and carried into my hearse / ambulance. my green eyed stranger accompanies me. I’m glad I’m not alone. she squeezes my hand tight but the feeling of her grip is loose and losing sensation by the minute. I am stuck, and pumped. I am crying. the angles of my surroundings are loosing shape and becoming blurred. I am upon the sunset sea. drifting above the stars to the port of my declaration.

Up the ladder: The road to my Saturday
Down the ladder: A Frosty Fistful of Haiku

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.0
Weighted score: 4.905148
Overall Rank: 9756
Posted: July 17, 2005 9:54 PM PDT; Last modified: July 19, 2005 12:15 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 69.231.25.148 | 19-Jul-05/2:05 AM | Reply
Oh my Fucking Howdy! Man...this just plain tires me out. I'm not voting on this.
[n/a] darby pyn @ 207.200.116.197 > Bankrupt_Word_Clerk | 21-Jul-05/11:25 PM | Reply
BWC it's cool if you don't wan't to vote.
but is it a good tired or bad tired?
[n/a] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 71.133.246.232 > darby pyn | 23-Jul-05/6:57 PM | Reply
it's word choices like fallible remorse that are your weakness.

I chose those two words, but there are many more that you just seem to put together without any real thought as to what it will do to your poetry. it just seems like you are in love with a vocabulary that is just out of your reach. I understand some of this poem. By that i mean some images come to mind, but why in the name of Gary do you not try to simplify, pare down, and beat some meter into your work. You really and truly could do this better with half the words.

I read my own poetry. I know it's not very good. So, take what i say any way you'd like. BUT all your work is the same; too wordy by far. It's just not necessary.

you are only cannibalized by insatiably hungry demons if you ARE a demon.

are you a demon?

cuz it would all make sense to me if you were.
[n/a] darby pyn @ 207.200.116.197 > Bankrupt_Word_Clerk | 25-Jul-05/4:10 PM | Reply
Always thank you for your criticism and praise.
I'm destined to be one of those writers who frustrates
the hell out of you. I always reread and revise my poems
before I post them. the words I use are in my grasp
otherwise I would'nt use them. when I was young if I came
across a word I did'nt know I looked it up.
so my vocabulary increased. to not use the words I know
would deny who I am.
and you are a great writer.
I always respond to your comments.
much love.
steve.
[6] Nuit @ 86.128.125.194 | 21-Jul-05/4:04 PM | Reply
I like the depth of your work Darby.
[n/a] darby pyn @ 207.200.116.197 > Nuit | 21-Jul-05/11:26 PM | Reply
Thank you Nuit.
I am glad you enjoyed it.
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