ALChemy
replying on My addict by Heather Dee
13 Sep 2005, 2:10 AM
That's a feat of dialect even the Cockneys might have trouble pulling off. If the rest of the poem had a loose rhyme style it might work but right now it's a sore thumb.
The (I) sounds are different in the two words. One lifts, one drops.
i liked the first two stanzas better than the rest
meerir=mirror
--
teers
its dialect, i think
i get it
i like a short verse, but i don't know...
"makes" and "i'll have" make it a little off.
but i'm no stickler for grammar.
As has come to be expected from you, very good. Line six, 'there' not 'their'. 'Soon Spring will die in October': great line, but, umm... what happened to summer?
Why the comma after "where"? I'm presuming that the last line is the direct continuation of the first, in which case it might be a thought to add a stanza break between the first and second lines.
I really rather like this. Though the "(how did they get to my mountain)" I'm not sure about. Maybe break it into another line or something -- the rhythm seems off because that one line's so long.
Nice. I'm not sure about the title being one of the three lines, but hey...
Nice snapshot.
I apologize for assuming you were as stupid as you appeared,
But you do it so convincingly.
You are the Howard Stern of Poemranker.
Congrats.
Except for 5'3" and 24" waist, you describe me. I've been snubbed and pushed at Robinson's May 24-hour sale enough to get some idea how they think.
threw -> through
why a comma in "free, of"?
I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you, but I'm coming off a caffeine jag.
It gets better in time, but I don't know how.
I'm just not finding a flow, the words come across as melodramatic and not quite connected, and the situation is a bit too... generalized for me to feel any connection.
Some nice commentary by ALChemy. I don't really have anything to add.
This is for the ignorant
Strange, but I like it
Very nice work, it flows rather smoothly
I rarely score.
Besides a score is 20 and the ranks only go to 10.
How do you pronounce "mirror"? 'Cause when I say it, it doesn't even remotely rhyme with "tears". Try "terror".
This poem is half finished. You've got the thoughts and feelings laid out but you need to develop an approach and style that is uniquely you and doesn't sound like every other rehab poem. The idea of the person in the mirror being a different you is a good approach but still quite cliche'. If you were to actually do a dialogue where the mirror talks back (Like "Quote the mirror. Nevermore.") then that might grab our attention. Right now what you seem to have is journal poetry. Poetry used for purposes focused on the author and not the reader. Read some Edgar Allan Poe. He'll help you find the fear, addiction, and psychological struggle you want to express.
If Dr. Suess wrote a minstrel version of a Shakespearean play during a coke binge.
I'll give you an 8 because you can spell vacuum which is more than at least two other poets can do.
The simplicity, sweetness and flow of this poem actually works for the subject. Good ear but try approaching subjects from unexpected angles.