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Smiling (Lyric) by Jill Stockinger My love is dark and beautiful
My love is haunting strange
My love is an
Aztec priest
With offerings of pain.
You hold my heart within your fist
You pulled it out with one mean thrust
Using your curved obsidian knife
To satisfy your blood lust.
Yet somehow I still walk and talk
And
pretend to life quotidian
And behold your visage from afar
With guilty
fascination.
Maidens fair will always view tormentors so,
And lust for
what's forbidden.
"Be careful what you wish for"
Is a lesson oft
unheeded.
Someday I'll reclaim what is mine-
My heart held high,
triumphantly
Still beating in your sweaty grip
As you walk so blindly by
me.
A blindness that I plan to make
Permanent in every sense
For I have
got a wicked knife
And am learning how to use it.
I sit and carve the
live-long day
In soapstone and in marble.
I am so good at rendering eyes
Some swear my staues "sighted."
Revenge can be so very sweet
As I take
my knife in hand.
Now my heart is back where it belongs
As I carry out
my plan.
Your howls of rage and searing pain
No longer have power to
move me.
I've placed your eyes in a marble frame
And I smile upon them
daily.
Up the ladder:
The Stand... an off rip
Down the ladder:
Fallow
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.4772725
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.477265 Overall Rank: 2812 Comments:
[5]...
anonymous @
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30-Jul-01/12:45 PM
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Reply
bold and heartfelt. clean rhythm and focus.
Very nice. You hold the metaphor together throughout.
primal...
obsidian knives are really more seperate flat chunks of obsidan blade tied together on a stick. They were more like reusable razors than knives, since although they were sharper than surgical steel when first made, they became dull fast. One wouldn't make a long curved obsidian blade.
Other than THAT, it was okay.
Your rhyme scheme at the beginning places the "rhyme feel" in our minds, then, when you deviate from the rhyming, something seems lost. Either rhyme or don't rhyme, but don't mix, especially when you have syllabic structure.
like "my love is like an Aztec priest" but it falls after that into banality; and you haven't made an effort with the form. if you are going to use a form, take possession of it. Rhymes??? and what's with this fluffy cliche: And behold your visage from afar - why the hell not "and see your distant face" or faroff face... I don't buy that the language is pastiche of some imagined courtly period. That's just lazy.
quite like the sudden Addams Family turn at the end. But it's disjointed. and this.... Maidens fair will always view tormentors so, And lust for what's forbidden. loadarubbish. If that's what YOU will always feel, say so; but don't speak for this fair maiden!!! meaning is distinction.
loved the final stanza!!
love the final stanza!!
love the final stanza!!
love the final stanza!!
very nice .....but how do you PULL out with a thrust?
A little bit of Sylvia Plath's dark undercurrent here, but lines don't scan and don't rhyme, and so the poem loses momentum as it goes.
A great foundation but see cyberians comment. It does lose control especially from stanza three, where the rhythm abrutly change & verbosity takes charge . Otherwise I wish I could do it
I'm not sure what's more interesting, the flow, structure, depth, simplicity, or the votes and comments. hehe. Good piece.
Very nice work, it flows rather smoothly
Suspiciously familiar. A richly deserved zero.
This poem shows you and ROCKMAGE (same person) are cunts, total and utter cunts, and that's being polite.
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