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This rage (Other) by Heather Dee
Swallowing you whole my anger consumes you. Until I have buried you beneath your shallowness and guilt. Afraid to open my mouth and take another breath, I sit silently wondering why it has come to this. Your blood now running threw my veins. Still I am unable to understand your motives. The demon you once were, Trying to break free, of this prison of flesh. Suffocating, yet peaceful you give in. Only to realize your greatest defeat, Now holds you hostage. Gasping for life, it’s to late….

Up the ladder: I Should Have Jumped
Down the ladder: The Sentient Donkey

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Arithmetic Mean: 1.0
Weighted score: 4.8102965
Overall Rank: 10911
Posted: September 10, 2005 10:36 PM PDT; Last modified: September 10, 2005 10:36 PM PDT
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Comments:
[2] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 | 11-Sep-05/9:08 PM | Reply
threw -> through

why a comma in "free, of"?

I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you, but I'm coming off a caffeine jag.

It gets better in time, but I don't know how.

I'm just not finding a flow, the words come across as melodramatic and not quite connected, and the situation is a bit too... generalized for me to feel any connection.
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