Poemranker [Poem: My addict] [by Heather Dee] Thu Nov 21 10:31:30 PST 2024

My addict I thought you had left me and went on your way. How foolish I was to think you wouldnât stay. Just when I thought I had gotten over you. I find myself weak, not knowing what to do. Your familiar voice whispers in my ear, âJust one little hit to cover all my fearsâ Before I know it the glass is at my lips. Sending numbness into my finger tips. As you stare laughing at me in the mirror, My eyes try holding back the pain and the tears. Once again I have given into you. I really did believe that this time I was threw. Why canât you leave me and go on your way? But your voice whispers to me each and every day. So I try with meetings and steps to leave you behind. But youâre always left lingering in the back of my mind. So I pray that today I will somehow see the light. And find the will power to win this never ending fight.

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 | 11-Sep-05/4:46 PM | Reply

Courtney Love! Is that you?

[n/a] Heather Dee @ 4.179.54.112 > ALChemy | 11-Sep-05/6:19 PM | Reply

No, sorry to dissapoint you. So did my poem not even deserve a score?

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > Heather Dee | 11-Sep-05/8:19 PM | Reply

I rarely score.

Besides a score is 20 and the ranks only go to 10.

How do you pronounce "mirror"? 'Cause when I say it, it doesn't even remotely rhyme with "tears". Try "terror".

This poem is half finished. You've got the thoughts and feelings laid out but you need to develop an approach and style that is uniquely you and doesn't sound like every other rehab poem. The idea of the person in the mirror being a different you is a good approach but still quite cliche'. If you were to actually do a dialogue where the mirror talks back (Like "Quote the mirror. Nevermore.") then that might grab our attention. Right now what you seem to have is journal poetry. Poetry used for purposes focused on the author and not the reader. Read some Edgar Allan Poe. He'll help you find the fear, addiction, and psychological struggle you want to express.

[3] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 > ALChemy | 11-Sep-05/9:02 PM | Reply

Some nice commentary by ALChemy. I don't really have anything to add.

[5] ay deee @ 24.255.87.123 > ALChemy | 12-Sep-05/9:40 PM | Reply

meerir=mirror
--
teers
its dialect, i think
i get it

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > ay deee | 13-Sep-05/2:10 AM | Reply

That's a feat of dialect even the Cockneys might have trouble pulling off. If the rest of the poem had a loose rhyme style it might work but right now it's a sore thumb.
The (I) sounds are different in the two words. One lifts, one drops.

[n/a] wilco @ 66.61.101.130 > ALChemy | 13-Sep-05/8:32 PM | Reply

Actually it comes pretty close to rhyimg if your from the south...down here it's mirr.

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > wilco | 14-Sep-05/6:33 PM | Reply

Maybe if your Chingy.

I live in the south. I have not heard anyone say mirr or firr. So thirr.

[n/a] zodiac @ 213.186.179.179 > ALChemy | 16-Sep-05/2:22 AM | Reply

I'm from Cold Mountain, NC. It sounds either like the word 'mere' or the word 'fir'. That is, 'round hirr.

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > zodiac | 16-Sep-05/6:44 AM | Reply

I live just outside Charlotte.

Ya some of dem folk don't speak too clirr.

[n/a] zodiac @ 213.186.185.161 > ALChemy | 18-Sep-05/1:11 AM | Reply

I grew up in Charlotte but went to a private school full of northern expatriates almost the whole time. I didn't learn about the word y'all until 10th grade, and then I thought it was cute. I actually STILL think the Civil War is over.

[n/a] ALChemy @ 65.188.89.69 > zodiac | 19-Sep-05/1:23 AM | Reply

Please don't tell me it was the old Andrew Jackson school.

Sorry. Cheap shot.

But did you know the North won.

PA (where I'm from) is called the Kentucky of the north.
I also hear NC is the South Carolina of the north.

[5] ay deee @ 24.255.87.123 | 12-Sep-05/9:41 PM | Reply

i liked the first two stanzas better than the rest

[6] LilMsLadyPoet @ 205.188.116.139 | 13-Sep-05/11:53 AM | Reply

I was threw.> through.

I threw the ball through the window, and now I am through playing ball. 'will power' is one word, I think. willpower? will-power? (I don't know, that part of my brain just failed me..tee-hee) I think>My addict, I thought you had left me and went on your way. (A comma would be good here.) 'given into you'> given in to you. Lots of period where commas should be. Make sure where period are, that it is a complete sentence that stands on its own. (I have problems with puncuation too!)